Monday, May 25, 2009

Being ready.

I remember posting, back around referral time, that I was confused by PAPs that had this IMMENSE LOVE for a picture. I thought for sure they were in love with a fantasy, an idea, and not really the baby in the picture.

Because, really.

Its a piece of 2-dimensional glossy paper. How can anyone love paper?

But I have to admit, going through court, getting many more pictures, seeing the video my mother shot, watching it over and over, it's more than a piece of glossy paper. Real emotions have developed.

I guess this is why bio-moms go through 9 months, and they make us PAPs go through a waiting period too. It's the process. The readying process.

Today I went to buy all the items needed for Charlie's trip home.

Total bill? $250.00. The amount only matters in that it shows how many items are needed! At Wal-mart prices each items costs about $2.00, so you can see how full my cart was. I printed out Chatty Cathy's packing list and got everything on there except the nipple brush. I'm using my pinkie and that's final! Anyway, nipples, bottles, liners, bibs, wipes, diapers, hats, toys, teething rings, orajel, pacifiers, spoons, bowls, socks, jackets, lotion, soap, cream, etc, etc, etc, later.... something sinks in deeply.

The care of this child falls 100% on me.

Everything she needs in this world... must come from me. I must supply it, arrange for it, buy it, provide it, make it happen.

And I feel prepared for that.

I have a few questions, such as situational wisdom items, but there are other moms around for that. I'm already finding that other moms seem very happy to help. I have joined some sort of club that I wasn't a member of 4 days ago.

I asked one mom in Wal-mart (Iknow, I know, I'm terrible for shopping there) about cereal and bottles and she informed me that nipples actually come in "cereal" size. She "got chills" when she learned about Charlie. Another two moms were happy to show me clips that would work in Charlie's baby hair and clips that would work in her hair when she was older. The cashier saw everything I was buying and started asking questions and of course I got out Charlie's pictures and she got tears in her eyes. "Her color don't matter one bit. If you got love in your heart, thats all that matters. I love all babies, no matter what color they are!" Ok thanks cashier lady. I know you tried. You meant well. (It is Wal-mart and it is the South.) It seems the world is happy Charlie is coming home.

I'm happy Charlie is coming home.

I'm ready.

But is Charlie?

Of course she isn't.

While I've been going through the mental and emotional process of bonding my heart to her over the past 5 months, she has been doing baby things 7000 miles away without a clue of my existence, or what is about to happen. This will be a huge change for her, with no prep time. I'm hoping I can make the trip fun for her, and that it will not be traumatic. I sense from the video she is a strong soul, but that doesn't mean she won't be fearful. After all, I'm taking her from the only 4 walls she's known, onto a plane for 20 hours, across the ocean, to a place she's never been, with people she doesn't know and who look different than all the people she's used to. I really hope some toys will ease the shock.

Ideas for the trip, moms?


ShannonC said...

Awww man. You got me all teary eyed with this great post!! Darn it all to heck.

Ya. Ok thanks cashier lady! That cracked me up!

Angela said...

I am so happy for you! I almost cried while reading this post.

People down south can be comically honest. You really can't get mad because their hearts are so geniunely kind most of the time. Please keep it coming, I'm taking notes.

Anonymous said...

The best advice for plane travel was to wrap up lots of toys she hasn't seen before (that shouldn't be too hard) and give her one every once in awhile. Easy things that you'd get at a five and dime. Heck, I'll even bring some to the shower. Basically keep her occupied. You might want to think now about a "lovey," something small (not too small) and warm she can hold onto and sleep with. Now buy two. No guarantee that she'll take to it, but it might be comforting...What else? silly faces. Make lots of them. Different textures.....danicuz

Anonymous said...

Who knows? Maybe it's something to do with my computer. Since I can'trespond to your posts at this point, I'm going to respond here :)1) I'd love to participate in your bookcrossings "event." If you havepostage left, send me any book you think is good. I'll happily sendout a couple of my own and post on bookcrossings for you.2) I'm amazed that you are feeling so bonded to Charlie already. Ithink that's wonderful! I know it wouldn't be the same for me. I mightlove the idea of a child, but not love the child...know what I mean? Ihave talked with other moms (bio) who have said it took them anywherefrom a day to weeks to feel bonded to their children. Of course thereare moms who feel that bond instantly, but I was one of the former. Ittook me a couple of weeks to actually love Shane. It was a processthat happened moment by moment. Initially he was just this infant Iknew I needed to care for, but who was a stranger to me. Once Iclicked with him though...HOLY COW! I would've (and still would) giveanything for him.I knew I would likely never love another being asmuch as I loved that boy.I was talking to my other friend who just adopted and she saidsomething similar...initially she was just in awe of actually having ababy there and trying to sort out how to care for him. Now, a coupleof weeks later she finds she's falling in love. All that to say, don'tbe surprised if the reality is different than the expectation. Youvery well may be absolutely in love with Charlie already, but shouldyou find you're not, don't sweat it. That's normal too :)Anyhoo, I'm soooooooo excited for you and can't wait to see the firstpictures of you and Charlie together!Hugs,~Me

(Michelle J)