6 Months Later.....

In the excitement of being snowbound for 4 days, followed immediately by the holidays, I neglected to blog about my 6 month anniversary of having met Charlie and becoming a family of two with her.

Things have changed GREATLY since that first day when she cried for 5 hours straight.

If you read some of the archives, I was an uncertain mother (still am in many regards, but different regards) learning to nurture a child who had been separated from everything she knew. Some of the posts talked of attachment parenting in the face of tantrums. Some posts asked for help with her fear of letting me out of her sight. Some days seemed like they would never end, as far as the crying and then Post Adoption Depression combined with maternity leave hit. Then some days felt like they would never end...

I've written about all of it, although it took me awhile to write about the depression, as one of the biggest taboos in today's society is being a "bad mother".

So, 6 months later, I can honestly write that I think I'm a "good enough" mother. I'm not perfect. There are still days when, like being stuck in the house for 4 days with no electricity, having to entertain a toddler for 16 hours a day, I thought I would lose it. But things have gotten MUCH better. For those of you suffering from PAD, get on some meds if your Dr. thinks that will help, and hang in there.

Today, Charlie is a precocious, happy child. She still has tantrums, but I walk out of the room (ala Supernanny) and that works almost instantly to quell them. Most of the time she is happy, affectionate, bright, curious, active, loving. She is confidant and will go with her babysitters when I need to leave without fear. She has a nighttime routine which is easy (for both of us) and consistent, whether she's at home or somewhere else. Makes traveling much less stressful. There have been a lot of changes, for the better.

The only "problem" we are still dealing with is biting at her daycare. I truly believe this is due to her having teeth coming out on all four sides of her mouth at once. She is getting better. I brought Ora gel to the school and her teachers give her a cold washcloth several times a day. Since then she has had a few "attempts" but no successful completions of a bite. I'm grateful the school is working with us on this, and there has been no talk of expelling her. Well, they'd lose $700 a month so I suppose they are loath to expel anyone. Not good business practice. But still, I appreciate it.

She is well bonded with me and her grandparents, who visit often. I probably am not the role model for attachment parenting, I do let her cry it out for 10 minutes at a time, but it works for us.

There are moments when she is absolutely the cutest thing on earth. Like when her little lips form to babble her high pitched baby talk, or when she points her chubby forefinger right into my eye and says "AIIIIIIIIII??????" When she points her finger and frowns sternly at the dogs and says "no no nooooooo" when they try and take her cookie. When she tries to rub lotion into her round tummy with her uncoordinated hands and looks up, pleased as punch, to make sure I noticed. When she says "mamamamamamamamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" until I look up, and then she asks "moh?" and makes the sign for "more" when eating tangerines.

I get enough sleep, but I am still tired a lot of the time. I'm lucky Charlie is a good sleeper. She has me beat by a few hours per day actually :-) I suppose the fatigue just goes along with single parenthood and all the responsibilities that need to be taken care of. It's endless. I'm on the 3rd load of laundry this weekend. One load a day really. But I knew most of this when signing on so I'm not complaining. In fact, I'm very lucky. Charlie is very easy for the most part. Many times, if she wakes up before me, she plays quietly in her crib until I get up. She has started saying "sank yooo" whenever you hand her something. My family was quite impressed with that ;-) considering she is only 16 months old. (I took all the credit for teaching her that, when really it was her daycare who taught her. Shhh! Don't tell anyone.)

When I think of parenting a special needs child... I just don't know how people handle that. Hats off to them. I couldn't do it without a very involved partner.

So that's where we are 6 months later. I'm not totally over my depression, but then, I don't know if I ever will be. I've had some low grade depression since my teens, so I don't know if that will ever totally lift. Charlie does help me find joy just in watching her.

5 Days of Straight Sleep... but not for adopters.

I read this article about a study being conducted, or a new program actually, at a hospital in Toronto (why are the Canadians so far ahead of the U.S. when it comes to family and parenting??) where they are trying to reduce the severity of post-partum depression by having birth mothers stay for 5 extra days at the hospital. The nurses help a lot and the moms get to sleep. The thinking is that sleep deprivation has a lot to do with post-partum depression, so by having mothers who are at "high risk" stay at the hospital and sleep the severity of PPD will be less. Or avoided completely.

Well, what a great idea! Although I'm not sure 5 days is enough....

At least someone, somewhere, is trying to do something to help.

Now, what about us adoptive moms? Are we not sleep deprived??

Click here to read the whole article.

Oh Happy Day!

Boy, wouldn't it be great to wake up in this kind of mood every morning?


Who said "Youth is wasted on the young" again? He wasn't kidding. Charlie wakes up in a fabulous mood 99% of the time. I thought I'd try and capture it, because it's so cute. And I'm jealous because I wish I woke up like this instead of waking up grumbling. My dogs also wake up exuberant. They are definitely on to something.

Again, once the video camera comes out she gets inhibited, but you can still get the gist. I love her smile and rosy cheeks when she wakes up.

Precursors to Post Adoption Depression - Conclusion

Last week I listed a few precursors to PAD, check them out here.

Today, I'd like to finish the list. Remember this is from Internet research that is scarce, they may be more precursors.
Please excuse the various fonts, which come from copying and pasting. I was going to re-type it all because I know it's harder to read this way, but Charlie is needing attention this morning, so here it is with apologies.

June Bond coined the term, post adoption depression, in a 1995 article for Roots and Wings Magazine. It refers to a combination of symptoms that may include: depressed mood, irritability, diminished interest in most activities, significant weight loss or gain, insomnia, or sleeping too much, feeling worthless or excessively guilty, difficulty concentrating, and suicidal thoughts. The severity of PAD may vary and should be taken seriously if you have five or more of these symptoms during a two-week period. Whether an incapacitating depression that requires treatment, or simply "the blues," PAD is a very real phenomenon.

It is suspected that having a history of certain issues can increase the likely hood that PAD will surface.

BEING A "CAREER WOMAN":

Doctors often attribute post-partum blues to dramatic hormonal changes that occur after the birth of a baby. However, psychologists often link new mother's depression to the sudden overwhelming demands of an infant and new financial responsibility, as well her loss of professional identity, social networks, and personal freedom. Sometimes depression is simply about not getting enough sleep or time to oneself.

Many adoptive mothers are older and wealthier than typical first moms. They often have established careers and have enjoyed years of freedom from the demands of children. They feel depressed and anxious if they do not "fall in love" with their children immediately.

I know when I went on maternity leave for 3 months, part of me was lost. I had no idea how to spend my time, other than rushing around picking up after Charlie. On the other hand, I was loathe to go back to work! A few months later, I'm happier at home and happier at work. Getting 40 hours a week "off" from childcare is actually too much. I feel like I don't get to see Charlie very much and other people are raising her. That's probably a sign of recovery.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS AND A VIVID IMAGINATION:

June Bond, a writer for Roots and Wings magazine and the first person to recognize PADS, says that adoptive parents experience a huge letdown within a few weeks after their new child comes home. It is similar to what happens after a wedding, completing a college degree or achieving any other big life goal. "The emotional rush from the attainment of this long-desired goal is exhilarating," she writes. ". Feelings of being 'let down' are common after reaching any major life milestone."

Many adoptive parents have preconceived notions about the initial adjustment period with their new child. Remember this is a transitional time for all members of the family, not just the child. Bonding takes time and you may be overwhelmed by fatigue, sickness, stress, and the new challenges of parenthood.

--http://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html

In understanding post-adoptive emotions, we examine expectations along several dimensions: our expectations of ourselves, of our child, of our family and friends, of our child’s birthparents, and of others (including our adoption professionals and society). Part of the wholeness of family lies beyond the primary family unit, reaching to extended family and close friends. The joy that we feel as parents is often contagious and includes the exquisite anticipation of sharing the fact a child will be added to the family. But adoptive parents may be surprised and ill-prepared for their families’ reactions. – Foli and Thompson

Remember my hurt over my baby shower? That was probably an expectation of mine, a dream of what it would look like, and when the RSVPs came in, it was shattered. My family IS in love with Charlie, and they ARE very supportive, but I’ll never forget the sheer volume of comments that post got…. Obviously not all families are. I hope yours is as wonderful as mine, but if they are not, find some supportive friends.

A HISTORY OF DEPRESSION, POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION (OR BI-POLAR, SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER OR ANY AFFECTIVE DISORDER):

If you have a tendency to any of the above mental health diagnoses, you are more likely to experience PAD. Personally I have battled depression for most of my adult life. This should not have taken me by surprise… After all, it’s such a joyful and happy time.

INTERNATIONAL AND SPECIAL NEEDS ADOPTION:

Science is just beginning to define "Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS), which is not yet a distinct illness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS can range from a full-blown episode of severe depression that requires hospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a month or two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half of adoptive mothers experience it. For example, in 1999 Harriet McCarthy, manager of the Eastern European Adoption Coalition Parent Education and Preparedness, surveyed 165 mothers who had adopted children from Eastern Europe and found that 65% reported post-adoption depression. Other researchers have determined that you are more likely to experience PADS if you adopt from overseas or if your child has special needs.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT:

. Monitor your symptoms of depression and seek counseling and/or medical treatment if they persist and seriously impact day-to-day functioning.

Don't become isolated in your community. Enlist friends, family and neighbors to help with errands or domestic chores so that you can focus on bonding with your child.

· Try to get out with your child every day. Especially in the winter, cabin fever can exacerbate feelings of depression.

· If you have a predisposition to depression, you are at greater risk. Contact your mental health provider, counselor, and other support network to be on "standby."

· If the loss of career (whether temporary or permanent) triggers an identity crisis, find new areas of competence and seek out opportunities for adult contact.

· Don't expect perfection from yourself. Just do your best and don't feel guilty.

· Establish time with your spouse/partner to nurture your relationship.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Post Adoption Depressions Syndrome by Judy Bond; Roots and Wings, Spring 1995, www.adopting.org/pads.html

Baby Shock by Jean MacLeod; Adoptive Families, Sept/October 2001

Post Adoption Depression: The Unacknowledged Hazard, http://www.eeadopt.org/home/services/research/pad_survey/index. html

Precursors to Post Adoption Depression

I'm sick right now, so I'm posting something I already wrote and was saving. I'll get back to you on the "sticking out tongue" debacle later....

I’ve been doing a little Internet research on PAD, along with reading one of the only books available out there “The Post-Adoption Blues” by Foli and Johnson. Here’s what I’ve found so far regarding precursors to Post Adoption Depression. If you have any of these, you may be at risk. Note the ‘may’ be at risk… there has been very little research on the topic that I can find.

BOTTOM of THE BARREL:

“When a family decides to adopt a child, considerable energy is put forth during the pre-placement time. Seemingly endless and intrusive paperwork, government agency requirements, advertisements to birth parents, and so forth, drain adoptive parents’ financial and emotional resources. There isn’t much left when the child actually arrives. Instead of understanding that the journey has only begun, some adoptive parents feel that the goal has been accomplished. Because the pre-adoption process can be all consuming, the precious time that needs to be used to prepare for parenting is stolen because so much energy has been put into the process itself." --Foli and Thompson

I’d like to add international travel and jet lag to that list. Preparing for travel across the world, packing, bringing donations, more paperwork in the form of visas and passports, waiting for court and the powerlessness feelings that brings up, traveling somewhere foreign and the culture shock… it all adds up to depleted reserves of strength for once the child arrives.

Personally, I remember blogging about feeling “in denial” that a child was arriving, questioning how some parents could “fall in love with a picture” before ever meeting the child, etc. Looking back, I was immersed in the preparation and not able to concentrate on the reality of what having a child in my daily life would look like.

IGNORANCE:

Nobody told me about PAD before the adoption. Luckily, I read a LOT on adoption and learned about it through blogs. I was in denial that it would affect me though.

Not much research has been done on the problem. But in a 1999 survey sent out by Harriet McCarthy to subscribers to an online list serve for parents in the Eastern European Adoption Coalition, 77 percent of those who reported post-adoption depression said their symptoms lasted from two months to more than a year. Seventy percent felt that the depression had interfered with the transition and bonding with their new children. Only 8 of the 94 people who reported post-adoption depression said they had been advised by their agencies that the syndrome even existed.

- http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/25/health/25adop.html

BEING A FIRST TIME PARENT:

According to psychologists who work with adoptive parents, the stress of being a new parent, sleep deprivation and a lack of support may put women at risk. And some adoptive mothers may be saddened if they do not "feel love at first sight" or immediately bond with a child.

-http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/25/health/25adop.html

ISOLATION:

If you lack support in your family or community, you are at a higher risk for PAD. This is true of any mental illness, really.

PAST INFERTILITY ISSUES:

If infertility or miscarriages preceded the adoption, a woman may still dwell on her lost pregnancy or inability to have a biological child. And some parents endure a long process to adopt a child, filled with anxiety, delays and other obstacles.

- http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/25/health/25adop.html

Four more precursors coming up include being a "Career Woman". Tune in....

"Don't Call Me Mother"

Excerpted from Elizabeth Elias' book: "Don't Call Me Mother" available here, and also on Amazon.

It's on my wish list for Christmas.

(HINT.

HINT.)


(I'd prefer the real life book, not the ebook, thanks, because then I can dog ear it and feel it and put it down and pick it up, etc. ;-)

What the hell had I signed up for? I had heard with my ears that my life would completely change and that I would not get much sleep. But I had not actualized the information and now I was living it– not very gracefully.

After the first few nights of sleeping for two or three hours here and there, I was over it. Darkness descended upon the land. My mother reached out to help me with advice. I became allergic to it and pushed her away. I did not want anyone’s advice, especially not hers. She had managed it somehow, to be the loving mother, while I was flapping my wings and flailing. I wanted to claim this new role as my own. But I was not the image of mother that I thought I would be, nothing was as I thought it would be.

Our new son wanted to eat every three hours around the clock and it took an hour to feed him each time. There was no space left to sleep, eat or bathe myself and this depleted me. I turned on my baby. In my mind I put him out in the garage at night where I could not hear him and I fantasized about sleeping uninterrupted again. I daydreamed of calling the adoption agency up and asking them for a refund. Adrian worked twelve hour shifts and I envied him for it.

One evening while he was away, I could not sooth my baby. I had fed him and changed him and still he cried. I swaddled him and rocked him and sang to him, but he did not hear me through his wails. My hands began to tremble and my face changed to mirror his grim one. Carefully, I carried him to his beautiful room and lay him down in the crib. He laid there, bundled, eyes shut, mouth open, noisy. I backed out quietly and shut his door. Listening to him I walked to my bedroom and shut that door too. What a terrible mother, unable to sooth her baby, leaving him all alone. Surely if the agency could see, they would take him back. I retreated further into the en-suite bathroom and closed that door too. I could still hear him though three sets of doors separated us. I turned on the shower and stripped off my clothes. I climbed in and sat on the cool bottom of the tub and turned the taps. There, now it was silent. My tears rinsed away before I could taste them. I folded my arms across my chest and pretended the stream of water hitting my skin was pure forgiveness. I needed forgiveness. I needed distance. I needed perspective. This was not the mother I wanted to be. I sucked.

I struggled on and a couple weeks into our new roles as parents Adrian and I were driving in the car. I needed to know if he felt the same way I did. “Do you love him? Does he feel like he’s yours?” I prodded.

He answered without hesitation, “Ya, I do. I think I probably would walk through fire for that little guy.”

I thought about that. I could not relate. I might have felt potent mother love sometimes for a few moments, especially when he was asleep, but mostly I felt tired and frustrated and overwhelmed. And stupid. And guilty.

This was what I had struggled so long for? I felt guilty I didn’t feel closer to him. I felt guilty that I wanted to sleep. I felt guilty that I was entrusted with his care to love him and I just wanted to have my own space back. I felt bad that I was not that mother who gave unconditionally of herself without needing to refill her own cup. I was not her. I now hated that idealized role of mother. It did not fit me. I had to find another way. I had to carve a new version out for myself.

I cringe at Elizabeth's honesty, and then breathe a sigh of relief: it's not just me. She writes about PAD being an illness, not my fault, nothing to be ashamed of. Still, I'm not there yet. I still feel shame and that I should have been strong enough not to succumb to it, that I should keep it a secret and not let anyone know how I feel. Which makes writing about it on this so very private INTERNET scary to me.

Coming up soon, some pre-existing conditions that may be red flags for PAD.

Lifting? Finally?

I have a few happy thoughts to share.



They popped into my head spontaneously (as opposed to cognitive re-framing which is what I had been doing to combat the depressive/negative thoughts) (see below) and were very welcome! Maybe the meds are kicking in.



“I’m a good mom because what other mom could come up with such a funny banana song at 7 AM and dance for her daughter enough to make her giggle while doing her hair?” Yes, I was singing this morning, and Charlie was laughing. I thought perhaps I am the proper fit for her, because when I’m not depressed, I’m actually quite funny. I’m also kind of “out there” as far as behavior inside the privacy of my own home, and obviously Charlie is tickled by that. She could have wound up with a straight-laced uptight non-singing non-face-making boring mom. But no, she got me!



Another spontaneous emotion I had was not necessarily one that folks would associate with happiness, but in a way…. Well, it was sadness actually. Sadness at the thought that little Charlie will inevitably grow up, and all the things she does now that I will miss terribly as she gets older. The way she pats my back when I rub hers. The way she waves good-bye to inanimate objects, like the door, when we leave home. Her little smiling face bursting with joy over some small thing. Her fascination with the mobile over her head, that she always tries to reach but can’t quite touch yet. One day that will no longer be magical. So feeling sadness over this is a good thing, because 1) it’s not feeling numb, which is what I feel when I’m depressed and 2) I’m able to appreciate the moment and 3) I’m bonding to her and loving the things she does.



And the last spontaneous emotion I felt, that I’d like to share, is gratitude. I’m so grateful that Charlie is sooooo ‘GOOD’. She is so well behaved. And I don’t mean that she never tantrums (because she does) or whines (oh boy does she) but that in general she is an ‘EASY’ child. Lord knows I needed an ‘easy’ child, being new at this and being single and being so self-involved up until now…. Let me give an example: Charlie has taught herself to go to bed in her crib, every night around 8PM, without my having to rock her or comfort her in any way. Of course, I still like to do those things, and I’m even sad that she no longer needs me to cuddle her to sleep like we did up until this past week. What happened was one night I laid her down in the crib, and I went to get her bottle. Usually if I did something along those lines, she would cry, I’d come rushing back, and we’d have to rock with the bottle some more out on the couch. This time she just lay there, patiently and quietly waiting. I brought her the bottle and kissed her goodnight and left. Holding my breath. Nothing. Silence. I couldn’t believe it. Up until now, any time she woke up, I’d have to rub her back and then SNEAK OUT QUIETLY on TIP TOE lest she awaken and hold me captive! Sometimes she would open her eyes to check if I was still there. She’s check every minute for a long time! My arm would fall asleep from bending over the crib to rub her back.



When I told my colleague that Charlie was already sleeping through the night in her own crib without drama at bedtime, and wasn’t I soooo lucky? She replied that she thought I was lucky but not to discount that I probably had something to do with that too. I thought Charlie did it all on her own, but my colleague said without realizing it I am reinforcing or not reinforcing everything she does. I could have continued to tip toe out of her room every night, walking on egg shells listening to every little mew, but I tried a new way and it worked. Then I reinforced it nightly. Nice to have colleagues who can boost me up like that!



In summary, I think all those thoughts and feelings are positive signs that the depression is lifting. Or maybe it was just a good week. I’m hoping for the former.

A little lighter fare on the same topic....

This is hilarious, but not safe for work. Unless you use headphones or listen quietly. The pictures are all safe.

Post Adoption Depression Thought for the Day 4: Biological attachment vs. adoptive attachment

Post Adoption Depression: Thought For The Day:

"How come other mothers get to bond instantly? What’s wrong with me???This is not fair. I want to feel that amazing "mother love" too. It would make all the work worthwhile."



Post Adoption Depression Recovery Thought For the Day:

"Bio moms get infused with a bonding chemical at birth. That helps them stay engaged during countless sleepless hours. That hormone is nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species… it probably prevented cave women from tossing their colicky babies over a cliff. With adoption, there is no infusion of nature’s bonding hormone in one instant. It takes time. A day by day approachment. I am moving towards Charlie every day. There's no race."

Post Adoption Depression Thought for the Day 3

Post Adoption Depression: Thought For The Day:

"Everything is piling up. I’m behind. I NEED to do the laundry, clean the house, pick up the dog poo, pay the bills, make the phone calls, pick up the meds, do the shopping, water the plants, do the yard work, cook dinner, make lunch for tomorrow, shower…. And, and, and….

And Charlie is hanging on my leg, so needy, and I can’t do any of the things I HAVE TO DO and I’m drowning. SHE is preventing me from accomplishing ANYTHING."



Post Adoption Depression Recovery Thought For the Day:

"None of that stuff won’t wait until tomorrow. Charlie loves and needs me, and I love and need her. SHE is my main "accomplishment" or "job" right now and compared to the other stuff she is way more important."

Post Adoption Depression: Thought for the Day 2

Post Adoption Depression: Thought For The Day:


"Other parents and family members are constantly judging my parenting skills. And finding them lacking. When family and friends offer to babysit to give me a break, I feel guilty and suspicious (“They don’t think I can handle this”). If I accept, while I try to take a nap I lie there feeling guilty…. I SHOULD be out there taking care of her, not them. People judge me when I’m not playing with her and they are. They are thinking :” Wow, she’s a bad mother.” People judge me when she gets a boo-boo on her. They are thinking: “Wow, she’s a neglectful mother.” Even the dogs give me accusatory looks when she is crying, like they are thinking I"m doing something to hurt her! Now THAT is ridiculous! I really don't need my dogs getting on my case too!"



Post Adoption Depression Recovery Thought For the Day:

"People may be judging my parenting skills, but probably not as much as I think. And if they are, they don’t see the whole picture, just snap shots in time. Most people don’t care enough about me or Charlie to give us a second thought, and those who do care are not judging us in a negative way or constantly. Maybe even some people might think I'm a good mother. And the dogs are just nervous from the crying, they don't actually think you are torturing her."

Post Adoption Depression: Thought for the Day 1

Ugh. I don’t feel like sitting down and writing about Post Adoption Depression.



It’s too depressing.


That was a joke.


:-)


Since I promised, I’ll write smaller snippets. The thought of putting together a whole essay is too much.



So here’s the first snippet:



Post Adoption Depression: Thought For The Day:

"I’m not a good enough mother. I was so lucky to be given a healthy, happy, beautiful little girl, and I should feel “over the moon” about that. The fact that I don’t feel over the moon means there is something very wrong with me. After all, I worked my butt off for this to happen. I filled out tons of paperwork, spent my life savings, traveled across the world, took 3 months off without pay, all to make this happen and to bond with this little one. She deserves someone who is over the moon. She deserves someone who’s eyes light up every time she enters the room. She deserves someone who will play with her all the time, or at least, more than I play with her. She deserves someone who doesn’t wish for “me time” as much as I crave it. I feel guilty that I pine for alone time. I was alone and taking care of my own needs for 39 years. It's a shock it’s all about her needs from now on.



Post Adoption Depression Recovery Thought For the Day (so as to not wallow, because everyone hates a wallower):


"I am a good enough mother. I take care of all of Charlie’s needs, and many of her wants. I am lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have me. Out of all the mothers on earth, God saw fit to put us together, therefore it was meant to be. I’m the only mother she has, and I do enough for her. This is a good thing, and a wonderful partnership."

Post Adoption Depression

In response to some of the comments regarding whether I should continue blogging (and thanks to all who commented, I feel much better about continuing!) I’m going to be doing a multi-piece episode on Post Adoptive Depression. I suffered from this for 3 months, and there is still a residual although things are getting much better. I have been thinking about writing about it, but worried about how I might be judged as a mother, and as a person. Also, not being "through it" totally, I thought I'd wait until I could say "It's 100% gone", but I'm not there yet and I'm still going to write about it.

The shame surrounding PAD is great. Greater, I think, than that surrounding Post Partum Depression. Not that it's a competition, of course both are terrible, but PPD seems to have “come into its own” lately, what with Brooke Shields writing about it and other media focus. With PAD, well, it’s still in the dark, hidden away. It’s not widely talked about, or even known. The attitudes seem to be “maybe I should just “snap out of it”, after all, there are no hormones to blame...” “This is something I worked for, very diligently and hard, and now I’ve got the child, I should be happy!” Yay! And if I’m are not happy, there is something very wrong with me, but shush, let’s not talk about it because that’s dark and weird. So act happy and like everything’s ok, and don’t forget people will be watching you to check on your parenting skills and they will be judging you, so taking a break is out of the question.

In my research on the subject, I came across the stat that 65% of adoptive mothers experience some degree of PAD. That’s a lot of mothers. Maybe even one of you….

So stay tuned.

In prep, here is a piece I found at Omegamom, which rang true. My experience is similar, just take away the husband.

Baby shock

So there you are, you’ve just got a referral or have just been matched with a baby due any minute, and you’re over the moon. You pad through the Shrine To Baby (aka the nursery) late at night, when the spouse is asleep, and you daydream about the future. You sit on the glider and snuggle with one of the stuffed animals that various friends and family have presented you, and pretend it’s your baby, and you sit and croon lullabies.

Your daydreams about motherhood (or fatherhood) are portrayed in your mind’s eye with a roseate glow, a soft-focus medallion of Madonna-esque Precious Moments type joy.

Friends are excited, relatives are excited, your spouse is excited, you are excited.

If you’re traveling to meet your baby, the excitement builds. You’re in a different place–Russia or China or Cincinnati or some other place you have never been before. You’re sightseeing, you’re dealing with officials, you’re meeting and bonding with your baby, it’s all new and different and vivid.

And then you get home.

Your baby, who slept like…well, a baby…while you were elsewhere, suddenly is adjusting to a new time zone. New smells. New sights. New sounds. He or she wakes up every three hours, and nothing you can do, short of carrying baby around for hours, will put baby back to sleep.

You are in a haze of sleep deprivation, and find yourself questioning your ability to do the most mundane of things (parallel parking? How do I do parallel parking again? I know I’ve done it before!).

The house becomes messy.

Your spouse returns to work, leaving you alone.

And this baby…this precious, darling child who you have longed for for years…is a stranger. You are suddenly a stranger to yourself. And this baby…precious, darling child…is a leech.

Yes. A leech.

Hanging on you.

Demanding all your time and attention.

Screaming if you leave the room.

Desperate for love. Hungry all the time. An endless source of wet and poopy diapers.

And you are the object of this small, self-centered person’s obsession. You realize you can’t do anything without this child hanging off you. You realize you can’t sleep, because your ear is suddenly attuned to the tiniest of grunts from the crib (or another room). Vacuuming the house is ditched entirely (even us lousy housekeepers do vacuum once in a while), because (a) you can’t do it with baby hanging off you, and (b) the noise terrifies baby.

You realize that you are Everything In the World to this small, self-centered creature. And your soft-focus daydreams of gently crooning baby to sleep in the glider have gone into the trashcan, because baby hates your singing, or baby is (like mine) a wiggler who couldn’t settle down to a nice crooning session to save her life.

You feel like your life is spiraling out of control.

You don’t like yourself anymore.

You resent your spouse (the light of your life) because s/he just Doesn’t Get It, and, besides, the bastard gets to leave the house and interact with other adults.

Your house is a shambles.

You feel like your life is a shambles.

You wonder if you’ve made the worst mistake in your life. You know there is No End In Sight, because you’ve signed an oath to take care of this small creature forever.

Does this describe your response in the first six months to a year after you adopted?

Don’t beat yourself up.

You’re not sick. You’re not insane. You’re not an Evil Person. They’re not going to come take your baby away (even at your most down moment, you are terrified that They are going to take her away).

Most of all, you are not alone.

There’s a thing called “Post-Adoption Depression”. It’s similar to Post-Partum Depression. PPD has the advantage of being explained away by waving hands at hormones, but y’know, OmegaMom has very big suspicions that the majority of it is what Jean MacLeod calls Baby Shock.

If you’re a new parent who has spent a long time with spouse, getting settled into spousal and life routines, tossing a baby into the mix just throws the whole gyroscope off balance. What was once a two-body problem (a very familiar term to physicists) has become infinitely more complex by adding a third body to the mix. And this holds true for adding another child after the first. (Please remind me of this when DotterSecunda shows up.) It’s a severe shock to the system.

I would say that it took OmegaDotter about six months to really, truly believe she “belonged” with us. I look back at pics of her first six months with us, and see, over and over, that what we considered “thoughtful” expressions were just plain “scared” expressions.

Further, I would say that it took me and Mr. OmegaMom a year to fully re-arrange our lives and become comfortable again.

As a person who is prone to depression, the disconnect between my daydreams and our reality after adopting did a number on me. (It didn’t help that I got laid off six months after we came home, what a blow to the ol’ ego.) The one thing that helped me immensely was realizing it was normal to feel this way, that many other adopting parents felt the same. I had read up on the various lists about returning home and having the child not sleep for the first three weeks. I had read up about Post-Adoption Depression, and was pretty much expecting it to hit me, due to the depression proneness. While I didn’t have a great real-life support system, I did have lots of friends on the internets who had BTDT, which helped.

For those who are about to adopt, and want info to be prepared, and for those who have just adopted and might be facing the same thing, I submit the following links:

• Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome - from Adopting.Org
• Adoption and Depression - from Bella Online