The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

My aunt sent me the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" and I'm a few chapters in. The book has created a firestorm of controvery and Ms. Gottlieb has been on several talk shows defending her position. The truth may set you free, but to be honest, it's depressing me. Here's why: It's actually a realistic look at finding a partner after 35 years old... She' not saying to "settle" as we know it, but to accept certain flaws because we too are flawed. To lessen our list of "must haves" and look for a "good husband" rather than "Prince Charming". That all sounds sane and I can agree with all of that.

Here's why it's depressing. The whole first part(and maybe the rest, I haven't gotten to it yet) she writes about the difficulty, near impossibility, of finding a "good enough" husband. Take this excerpt:

"Having a child in the house changes the specifics - you're never alone and in fact, you desperately crave some solitude - but the longing for an adult partner remains. When I decided to have a child, it had nothing to do with staving off loneliness. It had to do with hoping to find The One without the time pressure of a biological clock. If I was aware enough to know that a child would be no cure-all for a lack of male companionship, I truly believed, in an astoundingly naive way, that I could simply do things backward: child first, soul mate later. But as hard as it was to meet The One before I became a parent, I hadn't anticipated that once you have a baby alone, not only do you age about tn years in the first ten months, but if you don't have time to shower, eat, urinate in a timely manner, or even leave the house except for work, where you spend every waking moment that your child is at day care, there's very little chance that a man - much less The One - is going to knock on your door and join that party."

Sheesh! True!

I've join Eharmony and over the past two weekends sent the first communication out to over 40 men, and gotten 2 responses. That's fine. I only need one husband. But the numbers have definitely changed from when I was 20 and there were 200 unsolicited overtures in my mailbox. I think I have also been naive to think a man would want to join my party... My family thinks it's possible, because they know me and think I'm wonderful. (Thanks family!) But a man would have to be partially insane to willingly jump in my boat, I think. I saw this over the weekend when I brought Charlie and 2 dogs out to eat with a friend and her autistic son. It was a circus. The dogs escaped, the autistic son shrieked, Charlie flung tacos on the floor for the dogs to eat, I got wrapped up in leashes.... Several men walked by and chuckled, but didn't stop to chat, even though my friend made several opening remarks that could have been taken as invitations.

Ladies, we're screwed.

I'm not giving up. After all, I've already paid for 3 months and I'm nothing if not frugal. I would never waste that amount of money. But my sunny optimism has seriously clouded over. Gottlieb has burst my "Prince Charming" bubble. Maybe that's a good thing. We'll see.

Operating Instructions

Another book review.

“Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year” by Anne Lamott (of Traveling Mercies fame)

I love this book and I’m only ¾’s of the way into it.

Oh, it has GEMS!

Bright sparkly GEMS all over!

Here is one I can relate to: “I have these secret pangs of shame about being single, like I wasn’t good enough to get a husband.”

Or how about: “ …one of the worst things about being a parent, for me, is the self-discovery, the being face to face with one’s secret insanity and brokenness and rage. I have always known, or at least believed, that way down deep, past being kind and religious and trying to take care of everyone, I was seething.” Wow-sa, does that hit home. Those sleepless nights when the baby is colicky and you think you could ram your head straight into a wall from desperation…

About a decade ago, I recall an astrologist doing my chart, he put my birth date, birth place, etc into a computer program, looked up at me and said: “You are completely unbalanced.” I said, “Tell me something I don’t already know.” He said, “You are unbalanced in that you take care of everyone and no one takes care of you.” At the time it was so true. I had a dog, two cats, a townhouse, 14 residents in a halfway house I was directing, and 13 staff members who were mostly looney-tunes themselves. Nowadays, take away 2 cats, replace them with 2 more dogs and a toddler, and I’m in the same position. Except with more responsibility, another house and 200 clients. I can feel rage bubbling up at any given moment, at the slightest provocation. On the other hand, I’m blessed with a great job, a loving family, good health and everything is fine. Go figure. Is every mother like this? Or just me and Anne Lamott??

And the way she describes the dichotomy of motherly emotions is FUNNY: “I wish he could take longer naps in the afternoon. He falls asleep and I feel I could die of love when I watch him, and I think to myself that he is what angels look like. Then I doze off, too, and it’s like heaven, but sometimes only twenty minutes later he wakes up and begins to make his gritchy rodent noises, scanning the room wildly. I look blearily over at him and think, with great hostility, Oh, God, he’s raising his loathsome reptilian head again.”

She confides about her fears about giving birth to a son, rather than the more familiar gender. She writes: “…of course I’m edgy about the whole thing, about having my child having a penis instead of a nice delicate little lamb of a vagina…” and goes on to describe in colorful language the assaults she has endured at the receiving end of penis’ (penii?). I also thought it would be impossible for my body to create a male. When I decided to adopt, it never occurred to me to ask for a boy. I thought I wouldn’t be able to love a boy… they are so different. So foreign. Now that I’m a mom, I realize I COULD love a boy, very much, but it didn’t seem that way during the imagining stage.

She writes about the pain her son will inevitably go through not having a father: “ I don’t have any idea what I will tell Sam when he is old enough to ask about his father. I’ll say that everyone doesn’t have something and that he doesn’t have this one thing, but that we have each other and that is a lot…” I can see myself saying something similar to Charlie.

To try and fill the gap of fatherlessness Anne is amassing a “tribe" to help take care of him, made up of family and friends. Asking for help no matter how difficult that can be. She has people stopping by every day, bringing groceries, cooking, doing laundry, babysitting, taking her son to the park. Jeez! I’m missing out! I’ve been taking care of Charlie 24/7 when not at work, except for when her grandparents visit. Reading that part motivated me to pick up the phone and call a mom I know and suggest we trade babysitting hours on the weekends, which she agreed would be a great idea.

It’s not often I find a book that is both motivating, relatable, AND funny, so I highly recommend this one for all new mothers and even old ones. The love she feels for her son absolutely comes through, this is not a “bashing motherhood” book. Just a realistic, no holds barred type of motherhood book. There’s a gem on every page, every few lines for Pete’s sake! Too many to transcribe here. Go out and buy this book. It would also make a great gift for any pregnant woman, especially singles.

Dr. Seuss's Birthday Celebration!

Charlie's daycare celebrates birthdays the same way I do: all week long!

This week was Dr. Seuss's birthday. What an fabulous children's author. I love all his work. My all time favorite is "Yertle the Turtle", mainly becasue I love his name. "Yertle". It just makes my tongue giddy.

Monday was "Crazy Hat" day.
Tuesday was "Crazy Shoes" day
Wednesday was "Crazy Hair" day
Today was "Pajama" Day.

Due to biting stress and stress from missing work due to snow again, I totally forgot about the first 3 days. To make up for it, yesterday I helped Charlie dress in all of the above: crazy hat, shoes and hair.

Here she is "dressing herself". She can put on shirts and pants on her own, and is working on shoes.





Here is her "crazy hair" which was just taking her braids out.


Here is her total outfit, with hat and sparkly ruby boots.


Here she is after sneaking into my drawers and stealing a Dali T-shirt and putting it on all by herself.


The most excellent news, that I'm scared to write about for fear of jinxing it, it that she has gone ALL WEEK without biting! She was switched into a slightly older class with slightly stricter teachers (I think) and it stopped. I am bringing her a Lifesaver everyday so she does get a reward, but no chart. The Director ended up nixing the chart, not because she thought it wouldn't work, but because she thought the teachers couldn't be consistent enough (with 12 kids to a class, I understand). Anyway, whatever works is FINE.

Another achievement? She COVERED HER COUGH today. I'm amazed at all these seemingly small things she picks up on. Wow. Blown away.

And here she is playing a game we call "Hoarders". Ahem.
(Yes, that's my bra on top. C STILL is enamored of breasts and everything to do with them. She calls them "bay-bees".)

Who is your favorite Seuss character? Or book?

"Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother"

I finished "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" during my vacation and wanted to review it here. On Amazon, it has some quite polarized reviews. People seem to either love it or hate it. I loved it. Despite a few sentiments I COMPLETELY disagreed with. Some agencies are recommending it for pre-adoption study.

The opening premise:

"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into something familiar but changed. It took me a lot longer to become a mother than it did to adopt a baby."

That last sentence rings so true. All of it does really.

I went through this book highlighting passages that struck me as insightful, honest, or funny. Despite the seriousness of the topic, Wolff is able to handle some issues with humor. The second chapter is sub-titled "What If We Get A Dud?" and addresses the (I believe universal) fear that one won't like the looks/personality/spirit of the child referred to you. As she puts it: "Meeting your adoptive baby is like being set up on a blind date with someone who will consume your next eighteen years." Scary stuff. Terrifying.

Yet we do it. Some of us.

When I think about all the things that could have gone wrong, from the process and paperwork and country laws, to the child's health or personality... well, it's overwhelming. I must have been INSANE. What was I thinking??? That I could trust an agency to pick out a child across the world that would be a good fit for me and my family???? That's insane! They don't even pick according to temperament (like you might when adopting a pet)... it's just whoever is the right age and next in line. INSANE.

Then she writes a... strong?....horrible?.... honest? letter to her son's birth mother. It includes sentences like:"I know I should be really grateful to you, but I don't feel very grateful about having to beg a complete stranger for her baby when I really want my own." Woah. That I don't agree with. Adoption was my first choice though, I guess it wasn't her first choice and it shows throughout the book unfortunately. The letter continues: "If you don't feel qualified to be a parent yourself, how are you going to decide whether we are qualified? What kind of person would get herself knocked up by a guy who runs away when he hears the news? Haven't you heard of birth control? Of AIDS? Of abortion?... I don't want my kid to be someone's mistake." Yowzaa.... HARSH!

Some of her secret thoughts are more like wishes: "I..secretly wished to be treated with the kindness and special attention bestowed on many pregnant women."

I, too, wished for that. I remember being trounced by a particularly rule-abiding citizen on a online forum. I had written in a celebratory tone that I had used the "Expectant Mother" parking spot in a near empty parking lot in front of Babies 'R Us. She blasted me for that. I remember thinking: "She has no idea what this is like... because if she did, she would have a smidge of compassion and rejoice with me." That there are no physical signs that motherhood was around the corner. As Wolff puts it: "Motherhood was both imminent and elusive... It was very strange and disconcerting to be an instantaneous parent. I may have had a lot of emotional catching up to do, but I had no free time in which to do it." (And I'll add no free energy with which to do it, either.)

One sentence that struck me like a slap across the face was about how adoption "is no one's first choice". It was mine. I can see how if you are struggling with infertility, it might not be your first choice, but using words like "no one" 'never' "always" sets you up to be very wrong, and to offend people in the process. I get what she was saying, but it's not true. I know one adoptee at work, who is glad she was taken away fro her birth mother. it was an abusive situation. So she might also say that adoption was her first choice. There are too many different situations to make sweeping statements like that. but I'm not going to let one sentence put me off a whole book, so I kept reading and I'm glad I did.

The chapters are only a couple of pages and it's a quick read. Even so, there is plenty packed in there to keep you thinking, and learning. Each chapter had me gasping, thinking, laughing, or relating. I recommend the book.

Best Books of 2009

OK, so I'm way late on this post. Most of the "Best Of "lists come out on December 31st. A few late ones come out on January 1st. The really lazy writers may dare to post theirs on the 2nd.

Here it is, January 9th and I'm posting my book list. Oh well. I've been busy.

In 2009 I read 84 books, up from 2008 when I had read 59, so that's pretty good considering I became a mother in '09 and my reading time went WAY down. One thing I did was get a bunch of free audio books, so that helps with the numbers, but also with the enjoyment of my hobby. I listen on my way to work and back everyday.

I rate the books I read after finishing, with a star if they fit all or most of the following categories: "can't put it down", "weird lifestyle" "made me actually laugh out loud" "made me cry" "Extremely well written", "I'll remember for a long time" or " tells an amazing story". If they are poorly written, they don't get a star. If I put the book down over and over and it takes more than a week to read due to lack of interest, it won't get a star. I really enjoy reading about lives that are out of the ordinary, or different from mine... about things I will never experience.


So, without further ado, here is my list of the Best Books of 2009. Mind you, these books were not necessarily RELEASED in 2009. I just happened to pick them up in 2009.

BEST READS OF 2009:

Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant - Ferrari Adler
A mishmash of foodie writers dispute, humorously or more self-seriously, the pros and cons of cooking and dining alone. Includes recipes from well known authors for dishes they enjoy eating alone.

Stiff - Mary Roach
"Uproariously funny" doesn't seem a likely description for a book on cadavers. However, Roach, a Salon and Reader's Digest columnist, has done the nearly impossible and written a book as informative and respectful as it is irreverent and witty. From her opening lines ("The way I see it, being dead is not terribly far off from being on a cruise ship. Most of your time is spent lying on your back"), it is clear that she's taking a unique approach to issues surrounding death.

The Girls - Lori Lansens
Conjoined twins Rose and Ruby Darlen are linked at the side of the head, with separate brains and bodies. Born in a small town outside Toronto in the midst of a tornado and abandoned by their unwed teenage mother two weeks later, the girls are cared for by Aunt Lovey, a nurse who refuses to see them as deformed or even disabled. She raises them in Leaford, Ontario, where, at age 29, Rose, the more verbal and bookish twin, begins writing their story—i.e., this novel, which begins, "I have never looked into my sister's eyes."

There is No Me Without You - Melissa Faye Greene
All the Ethiopian adoptive families know about this one. If you don't, you should.


The Glass Castle - Jeanette Walls
I could NOT put this book down. It helped me through the pain of a surgery in February. Thank you, Ms. Wells. Form Amazon: "She opens her memoir by describing looking out the window of her taxi, wondering if she's "overdressed for the evening" and spotting her mother on the sidewalk, "rooting through a Dumpster." Walls's parents—just two of the unforgettable characters in this excellent, unusual book—were a matched pair of eccentrics, and raising four children didn't conventionalize either of them. Her father was a self-taught man, a would-be inventor who could stay longer at a poker table than at most jobs and had "a little bit of a drinking situation," as her mother put it. With a fantastic storytelling knack, Walls describes her artist mom's great gift for rationalizing. Apartment walls so thin they heard all their neighbors? What a bonus—they'd "pick up a little Spanish without even studying." Why feed their pets? They'd be helping them "by not allowing them to become dependent." While Walls's father's version of Christmas presents—walking each child into the Arizona desert at night and letting each one claim a star—was delightful, he wasn't so dear when he stole the kids' hard-earned savings to go on a bender. The Walls children learned to support themselves, eating out of trashcans at school or painting their skin so the holes in their pants didn't show. Buck-toothed Jeannette even tried making her own braces when she heard what orthodontia cost. One by one, each child escaped to New York City. Still, it wasn't long before their parents appeared on their doorsteps. "Why not?" Mom said. "Being homeless is an adventure."

Confessions of a Medical Examiner - Michael Baden
This engrossing book covers: (1) several famous cases, including Baden's personal re-examination of the autopsy findings for Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy; (2) unusual cases Baden had as medical examiner for NYC, such as an autopsy on a dining room table at the Plaza Hotel; (3) how medical examiners decide on means of death, with a section on poisons; (4) the history of coroners and medical examiners since 12th century England; (5) disturbing politics involved in the office of the Chief Medical Examiner of NYC; (6) identification of the dead; (7) time of death; (8) multiple-murder cases; (9) an almost perfect murder; (10) close calls, including near deaths during sex; (11) cases of mistaken diagnosis; and (12) autopsy findings that shed light on what happened in the Attica uprising.

His Favorite Wife: Trapped in Polygamy - Susan Ray Schmidt
I read a bunch of polygamists' memoirs. I found them fascinating, maybe because it's so foreign of a culture and something I will never experience.

Against Medical Advice - James Patterson and Hal Friedman
I picked this up in the grocery store, read the first sentence, and couldn't put it down. Cory Friedman woke up one morning when he was five years old with the uncontrollable urge to twitch his neck and his life was never the same again. From that day forward his life became a hell of uncontrollable tics, urges, and involuntary utterances.

Into The Wild- Jon Krakauer
My top favorite book of 2009. It still haunts me. The movie was great too. I now have a crush on Emile Hirsch who played the lead role in the movie. From Amazon: "God, he was a smart kid..." So why did Christopher McCandless trade a bright future--a college education, material comfort, uncommon ability and charm--for death by starvation in an abandoned bus in the woods of Alaska? This is the question that Jon Krakauer's book tries to answer.

There are actually many more titles I can recommend for 2009, but this post is getting long enough. Many of the descriptions come from Amazon, giving credit where it is due.

I hope fellow readers might put some of these on their wish lists. Enjoy :-)

Virtual shower! Isn't this amazing?

(Above are gifts from the shower organizer, Gwenwifar. Thank you so much for the shower, Gwenwifar!)

As I wrote previously, my BookCrossing community organized a virtual baby shower for me and tonight a few of us met in an online chat room and I unwrapped gifts. Boy, will Charlie's bookshelf be full already I think!

Since the letters and cards will remain private, and go into Charlie's scrap book, here is the loot!
This is from Shelj7k in Ireland (my baby will be a well rounded worldly girl. There are books from Ireland, Canada, Hawaii, and all over!)

My parents arrived after I had opened the first box, and they were blown away, as was I, that these are people I have never met. Not only because of the gifts sent, but because of the letters and cards that people wrote. REAL letters. REAL cards. With hand written emotions. Awesome.

This is Opa, trying out the Elmo hand puppet before Charlie arrives, so he will be a pro once she comes.

This is a close up of the BEAUTIFUL crocheted blanket that dg7500 made.

Book and a soft photo album from Bkind2books:

And one of my favorites, Curious George, from Dove i Libri (and a nice frame) (Guess who's mug will be smiling out from that frame?)



This is a daily meditation type book with funny things that kids do. I'm going to take it to the office and check it every day for a laugh. Thanks to Chubsie Whubsie!

Some books and lots of BookCrossing labels (a very important BC'ing accessory) of all types! Thanks to Hyphen8!

Some lovely books that I think Charlie will enjoy, from Jessibud. Thank you!







And what a cute onesie! And look at the booties! And the entire Pooh Bear collection! Pooh is my absolute all time childhood favorite. I so love Pooh and Piglet, and Kanga and especially ROO. And of course Eeyore. He's great in his curmudgeon-i-ness. And TIGGER! (Tiggers are wonderful things!)
Thank you so much Dusties!







And oh how jmsmom went overboard and completely spoiled me and Charlie! Within her magic box were books, a beach towel, two stuffed animals, a fuzzy blanket, and a book on toddler health. WOW! Thank you jmsmom!

Isn't that amazing???? And there was more... more books, more cards. These are just the highlights.

My parents walked in and were flabbergasted that such people exist. As am I.

Thank you Book Crossers, for making a special time even more fun.

Ok.... time to write the thank you cards......

Virtual baby shower!

I wrote about BookCrossing a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to show the blogosphere how awesome this book loving community is...

A BookCrossing member organized a virtual baby shower for me, and the packages have been weighing down the postwoman lately! It started out as an effort to get Charlie some baby books (which will fit very nicely on her new book shelf!) but I can tell from some of these packages that there is more than books in them!

I'm just waiting on a date and time to open.... then I will post some pictures.

Thank you BookCrossing! You guys are awesome!

Yay!

Free Books! (Just comment).

"Releasing books in to the wild" is what Bookcrossing is all about. You assign your book a tracking number, scope out a release spot, leave the book there and wait. Sometimes a finder will journal on the book, sometimes its never heard from again. Sometimes it hops a plane to Paris, sometimes (to my great dismay) it gets rained on and thrown in the trash. It's a different way of thinking about books and book ownership. When I first heard of BookCrossing I thought: "Oh, no way could I EVER let go of my books! They are a PART OF ME!"

I collected books. I read so many, it was a type of pride to have shelves packed to the brim, double and triple layered. I "knew" where each book was, in each shelf, at least approximately. I log the books in a journal with a rating system.

Here is an "infinity bookshelf". My bookshelves aren't as stylish, but sometimes it felt like they held an infinite number of books!

And so the idea of leaving one on a park bench, with a sticker on it stating "I'm not lost, I'm free!" was a smidgen less than horrifying.

My virgin release: I tried releasing a book I didn't enjoy much, to see what it felt like, this "releasing books in the wild". The book was "Look Homeward Angel" by Thomas Wolfe, and I left it in the frozen pizza section of the grocery store. I had written all over it that this was a free book, take me home, etc. Oh the thrill! The adrenaline! I lurked at the top of the aisle, then realizing a watched pot never boils I went home. The next day I returned, it was still there, I moved it to the tomato bin. I never heard back. One learns. Stores are not great release spots. People think they are stealing. Employees throw out merchandise that doesn't belong there.

I've scoped out better spots by watching and waiting. Post offices, by the weighing machine? Great spot. Contrary to what one might think, crowded public places like festivals? Not optimal. Perhaps people are worried someone's watching them, and again, feel like they are stealing or are on Candid Camera. Doctor's offices waiting rooms? Wonderful spots!

Here are some journal entries from finders that prove this is a fun, educational, positive-karma type activity you can do:

http://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/6937184

http://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/6134990/

http://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/4984303
http://bookcrossing.com/journal/6968954

http://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/6811117

http://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/6866459

I joined BookCrossing when my shelves got so heavy they threatened to break. I believed I would lighten my load by registering and releasing books. Lo and behold, after eight months of releasing books (I have released a total of 190 books) I have more books than ever. I guess that saying "you've got to give it away to keep it" is true. What happens is that other BookCrossers start sending you books. Boxes of books. Books on your wish list, books you've signed up to read on the website, books to welcome you as a newcomer, and books to release in your area. I cannot release them fast enough, nor can I read them all. My "to be read pile" is more like a mountain than a pile. I started going to library sales, yard sales and Goodwill's and buying cheap books just to release them and help with BookCrossing's mission to "make the world a library".

So in the spirit of BookCrossing, post a comment with your address and the type of book you like (sci-fi, thriller, romance, biography, memoir, literature, fiction, etc) and I will send you a surprise book. The only catch? You must "journal" it at BookCrossing.com when you receive it, and again IF you release it into the wild or to a friend. So two journal entries total. That's the whole "catch". BC is spam free, and you can journal anonymously without giving out any personal info. Of course, I will not post your address in the comments here either. At some point, when I decide I've spent enough in postage, I'll close the comments on this post. But not for awhile, I've got to make some space for Charlie. Oh yea, BookCrossers have decided to send Charlie children's books as a sort of "bookCrossing shower", so here we go again..... I love it! It's a great community. If you decide to join, tell them Mikavr sent ya.

PS BookCrossers have a great sense of humor:

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes. BUT! AND! BUT! AND!

Hee hee.... Cuteness.

Oh no...Mrs. Haregewoin Teferra has died.

My mom is in the middle of reading "There is No Me Without You" the book written by Melissa Fay Greene about this amazing woman, Mrs. Haregewoin Teferra. She's reading it because I'm "making" her. Because it's such an amazing book, an eye-opening, life-changing book. About this woman, Mrs. Haregewoin Teferra.

Mrs. Teferra lost her own daughter to illness, and in her time of grieving started taking in Ethiopia's orphans. Soon her small one room tin metal house was overwhelmed by dozens of children, all needing her love and attention. Then there were 40 orphans. Then 50! The book is about Mrs. Teferra, the orphans, HIV/AIDS and Ethiopia. It was a splendid book which gave me goose bumps (especially it's last chapter).

I also admired how Ms. Greene did not sugar coat the situation and there were times in the book when Mr. Teferra came off as more human than saint.

The world has lost a very special person today.

She inspired in me day dreams of opening my own care center in Ethiopia. I had day dreams of meeting her during my trip there this summer. Perhaps one day, my dreams will come true... but sadly, not of meeting her in person.

You can click on the link to be taken to Melissa Fay Greene's website and announcement.

The beauty of Social Workers

At the pizza parlor the other week, while paying, I was holding "There Is No Me Without You" in my hands. I overheard the woman ahead of me in line ordering. The pizza parlor employee greeted her with gusto and a smile, asked how she was doing, and she didn't even answer his question. She just commanded: "Gimme a slice and a Coke." I thought to myself: "Sheesh... rude!" but didn't say anything of course. Then she turned to me and asked me what I was reading. I told her.

"What's it about?" she asked.

"It's about the African AIDS orphans and this wonderful woman who takes care of them."

She curled her lip and said: "Eww..."

Flash forward in time to that afternoon.

I'm walking up the ramp at work and bump into a fellow social worker.(I always have a book while walking through the parking lot... it's a long parking lot and a waste of time not to be reading while crossing it.)

"Whacha reading?" he asks. I tell him the title. "What's it about?" he asks.

"It's about the African AIDS orphans and this wonderful woman who takes care of them," I tell him.

"SWEET!"

Aren't social workers awesome?

The cost of a new baby...

1-26-2009

I ended up spending $140.00 this weekend for the handyman, and $40.00 for paint and supplies. Basically all he did was disassemble my monstrous desk and bring it downstairs and reassemble it. That WAS a big job and took two hours, maybe three. Then he taped up the nursery and painted the corners and around the edges, while I rolled the main part of the walls.

Just that took 7 hours of his time. I kind of felt a bit ripped off. I suppose doing the corners and edges and all the taping does take the most time. But I was done with the walls in an hour.

Anyway, today on MSN I found an article quite by accident about the expenses of having a baby. They quote $11,000.00 per year as being average in one section, but daycare alone around here is $12,000.00 per year, not including diapers, cribs, car seats, clothes, Dr.'s appts, etc.

Since with international adoption, we PAPs are also paying exorbitantly for the adoption process itself, this figure leaves me a little anxious. Luckily, the article does give clue on how to save a little. For one, I will probably not be buying a matching set for the nursery now :-( although i was kind of looking forward to that. Nor will I buy furniture at Babies R' Us... I used to paint furniture as a hobby and I can still do that. It's much cheaper to find second hand or unfinished items. Here's the article:

Save a bundle on your new baby
Many excited expectant parents waste thousands of dollars on baby items they don't need. Here's how to wise up early and find just the essentials for less.
By Liz Pulliam Weston

Before I tell you how to save bundles of money while preparing for a baby, I must make a confession.

We've spent more than we planned in the months leading up to the birth of our first child. Way more.

Part of our problem was that we succumbed to the "as long as we're at it" syndrome of home improvements. What started as a fairly straightforward project -- converting a spare bedroom into a nursery -- turned into a six-month-long around-the-house orgy of stripping wallpaper, repainting rooms, laying new carpet and refinishing hardwood floors.

The other part is that I wasn't quite as immune to the siren song of the $4-billion baby products industry as I'd anticipated. While I was able to avoid some of the more obvious excesses -- $800 crib bumpers, anyone? -- I (and my doting hubby) still probably bought too much stuff.

The good news is that we didn't go into debt for any of this, and we'll still be able to fund our baby's college savings plan. (The expense means we won't be flying to Paris anytime soon, of course, but that was pretty much a given.)

The other good news is that my experience may help you avoid some stumbling blocks, although you're bound to discover new ones of your own.

So here's the result of my research and hard-won experience on corralling the buying needed to get ready for a wee one.

Get a great guidebook You'll need something fairly comprehensive that can tell you what you really do and don't need to prepare for the new arrival.
My sister-in-law gave me a copy of Denise and Alan Fields' terrific "Baby Bargains: Secrets to Saving 20% to 50% on Baby Furniture, Equipment, Clothes, Toys, Maternity Wear and Much, Much More!" Immensely readable, loaded with checklists and full of hard-nosed product reviews, this book quickly became my shopping bible -- and the first thing I bought for a couple of friends who got pregnant after I did.

Know what's optional If you let the kindly women at the baby specialty stores guide you, you'll spend more getting ready for this child than you would on a brand-new sports car. Here are just a handful of things you might NOT need:

A changing table. You can put a special tray on top of a dresser, or buy a dresser specifically outfitted for changing.

Baby store furniture, other than cribs. We found the dressers especially to be of exceptionally poor quality, even at the high-end shops. For less than $400, we were able to buy and paint a well-made ash dresser from a nude-furniture store. You can find used stuff for even less at consignment and used-furniture stores. Just make sure, for safety's sake, that the drawers can't be pulled all the way out, bonking a curious toddler on the head.

Diaper stackers. This is a bag to store diapers that hangs off a changing table. A plain willow basket tucked in a drawer can work just fine -- if you need anything at all.

Coordinated linen or crib sets. Some of the pieces in these sets, such as pillows and quilts, can't be used with an infant. Others, like crib bumpers, are controversial among safety experts. (If you get them, make sure they tie at both top and bottom in several places.) If you must have coordinated sheets and dust ruffles -- and yes, ultimately, I did -- you usually can buy those separately for less.

A car seat for each car. Most infant car seats come with detachable, adjustable bases. Just get one seat and a base for each car.

Jogger strollers. We occasionally see these sporty-looking, three-wheeled all-terrain vehicles in our neighborhood -- usually pushed by dads ambling to the corner coffee bar. We know a lot more couples who parked theirs permanently in the garage. Some runners and hikers swear by them, but you've got time to decide to get one later, since you're generally not supposed to use them with kids less than a year old anyway.

Make a budget Your numbers will necessarily be squishy for awhile, since you won't know exactly what you'll get in shower gifts and hand-me-downs. But between maternity clothes, strollers, car seats, clothes and nursery décor, the Fields estimate the average cost of baby preparation to be around $6,000 -- and that's not including hospital bills, day care or all the expenses that come later.

You can definitely spend less -- a lot less, with creativity and help from family and friends. But there will always be stuff you need to buy, and you should set aside enough money to cover the basics so you don't go into debt. Splurges make sense only when you've got the cash; otherwise, reduce the stress of your baby's arrival by not adding huge debt to your worries.

Accept donations: I knew I was in a foreign land when a baby store saleswoman cooed at me that of course, I'd want to get "all new" things for my first baby. She obviously didn't know I drive an old car, recycle outfits from my husband's closet and take great pride in pointing out the furniture we didn't have to pay for because it was given to us by someone in the family. "All new," indeed.

Chances are your friends and relatives would be happy to load you up with their outgrown baby items and clothes if only you'd say the word. Once you get it in your house, you'll see why: This stuff eats up space like a Humvee on a one-lane road, and their houses are already jammed with the next generation of kid stuff.

So accept, sort, clean and pass along whatever you can't use (with the original donor's permission, of course). You'll make your friends and family happy, you'll save money and you'll put a little less pressure on our already overstressed environment.

Find consignment stores: As I mentioned, I live in a place where fashionably dressed women pay $2,500 for a foreign-made stroller, $800 for crib sets with silk dust ruffles and $149 for a newborn's sleeper. But Los Angeles and other major cities have neighborhood consignment shops that sell both luxury goods and a wide range of more reasonably priced baby gear. At an outing to one, we found gorgeous velvet dresses for toddlers, seemingly unworn, for $5.
You can find name-brand strollers, toys and other baby gear for a fraction of the new price (although many safety experts advise buying car seats and cribs new if at all possible).

If you don't have consignment stores in your town, you might check out regular thrift stores and garage sales. I've collected plastic toys from yard sales since my friends first started having babies, so the little ones would have something to play with when they came to our house. A few of the more-finicky mothers blanch when I tell them where I picked up this or that bargain, but just about anything plastic can be sterilized in a weak bleach solution, then rinsed and sun-dried. Electronic toys and games can be blasted with disinfectant spray, and stuffed animals can easily be machine washed and dried, particularly if you put them in a nylon bag first.

Given what your kid will do to them in short order, it may be the last time they look so good.
Keep receipts, and don't wash new items right away In a nesting frenzy, I did what I thought you were supposed to do, which is launder everything that might come in contact with baby's skin. More experienced mothers later told me it's smart to wash only a few of your newborn items, since the baby is likely to quickly outgrow them and you can take the still-packaged ones back to the store for a refund.

Oops. I did the same thing by laundering the crib bedding, only to completely change my mind on the color and style I wanted for the linens and dust ruffle. I claim temporary hormonal madness, but the crib really does look cute now.

Expect a few splurges On a related note, it's not just the mother-to-be who can wreak havoc on a budget. The daddy-in-training can also lose his mind occasionally, as mine did one fine autumn day when we were visiting New Mexico. He slipped away from me for a few hours with a credit card, and about a week later a packing crate -- yes, a crate -- laden with stuffed toys arrived at our home.

We did build some parental splurges into our budget -- including a few more dinners and movies out, in anticipation of the confinement ahead, and pregnancy massages, which I'm convinced made the aches of my expanding body more bearable. If these luxuries aren't within reach, at least make sure you make some nice dinners for each other at home, and learn a few massage techniques before the baby arrives. We've heard the latter come in quite handy in the labor room -- and beyond."

Another cool book!

1-20-2009


Ethiopian Adoption Book

This 20 page book with full color professional photographs was written and photographed by adoptive mother Heidi Mehltretter. It walks a child through important and beautiful cultural settings in Ethiopia, giving them a sense of pride in the country of their birth. The book shows how Teff is grown and made into Injera, it talks about the rich religious history and ultimately describes how a child might become orphaned leading to their adoption. Ms. Mehltretter leaves the end of the book open so a family can insert a photo of their own child which allows for personalization. There are a handful of children's books about international adoption, but there are no books which highlight the unique adoption and cultural History of Ethiopia the way this one does. 100% of the profits from the sale of this book will go to support Hanna Fanta, the founder of Children's Heaven, a sponsorship program to help teenaged girls affected and orphaned by HIV and AIDS. Click the title to be taken to the ordering website.

I just ordered these books

It's a story about infertility and how the couple turned towards adoption from Ethiopia. Their blog is at http://www.fromashestoafrica.com/. You can read an excerpt and it looks like a great read. From their website:

"This is the story of ashes. For us, our ashes correspond to our battles with barrenness. Studies show that one third of the time, infertility involves the female. One-third of the time, it involves the male. Another one-third involves mystery. Three-thirds of the time, though, infertility involves deep heartache and pain. Amy and I know this firsthand.
This is also the story of Africa. For us, our story involves falling in love with and feeling God’s heart for a continent and people, where beauty and tragedy, wealth and poverty, and humanity and sub-humanity coexist in a jagged tension. Stepping into this world of interlocking realities felt like a baptism of sorts, whereupon returning to Oklahoma, we have been challenged and inspired to rethink and redo everything from our relationship with God, to church and community, to our understanding of missions and God’s future dreams for the earth.
Finally, this is the story of adoption. For us, it is simply the story of meeting a baby boy named Tesfamariam, and our lives not being the same since."

I ALSO ordered "Risk and Promise: a handbook for parents adopting a child from overseas " which has this as a synopsis: (from Amazon)

"Risk and Promise is designed to help prospective international adoption parents better understand the risk factors as well as the protective factors a child from overseas is presenting, support the parents through the decision-making process, and guide them during the period of transition in their lives as their new child moves into their family. The premise of Risk and Promise is that the success of any adoption, both international and domestic, is a function of not only the capabilities and needs of the child, but also the expectations, characteristics, and lifestyle of the adoptive family members. It is important that prospective adoptive families assess their tolerance for uncertainty, for the potential challenges that the child may bring, and the parents ability (financial and otherwise) to modify their lifestyle in order to accommodate the demands of a child who may be quite challenging. Along these lines, a secondary objective of this book is to enlighten prospective adoptive parents regarding the extent of what may be required of them if, indeed, they are to fulfill the commitment that they are making in taking on the responsibility for a child whose needs will unfold over time. "

It has four out of five stars and lots of positive comments about the helpfulness of growth charts that pin point height, weight and head circumference in the back of the book.

I will give book reviews once I've read them and let you know whether they are worthwhile.

Must read book

12-27-2008

My agency is awesome! They sent me a book today, which I had been reading about on various forums, with everyone saying it is a must read book about Ethiopia and AIDS orphans. It is called: "There Is No Me Without You: One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Her Country's Children" by Melissa Fay Greene. I had then put it on all my various book wish lists, and now I can take it right back off my wish lists because here it is!

From Amazon reviews:
"From Booklist: The horrific numbers behind the AIDS pandemic in Africa, "the most terrible epidemic in human history," have little resonance for most people in the West: "the ridiculous numbers wash over most of us." But this searing account humanizes the statistics through heartbreaking, intimate stories of what it is like for young orphans left alone in Ethiopia. Greene's story focuses on one rescuer, Haregewoin Teferra, who has opened her home and compound in a rickety hillside neighborhood of Addis Ababa and taken in hundreds of the untouchables thrown in the streets and left at her door. She cannot turn them away. Yes, the comparisons with Mother Teresa are there, but this is no hagiography; the middle-aged Teferra is "just an average person with a little more heart." Greene tells the stories in unforgettable vignettes of loss, secrecy, panic, stigma, and, sometimes, hope, even as she documents the big picture of "the human landslide," the history and science of epidemiology and transmission, and expresses her fury at the "crimes against humanity" of the multinational drug companies whose expensive patents have denied millions access to the life-saving medicines. Just as moving are the personal stories of international adoptions in the U. S., including two Ethiopian children taken into Greene's own Atlanta family. The detail of one lost child at a time, who finds love, laughter, comfort, and connection, opens up the universal meaning of family. Hazel RochmanCopyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved "
Here is the link if you would like to buy if for yourself or someone you know:
http://www.amazon.com/There-No-Me-Without-You/dp/1596912936/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1230415417&sr=8-1

If has 40 reviews, all 5 out of 5 stars.