Some Things Make Everything Alright Again

Tonight, as I lay Charlie down in her crib, and handed her a ba-ba, she said in her cute baby voice: "Tank chew, mama, nite nite" and the annoyances of the day melted away as I stood there with my ice cold heart melting rapidly.

" I love you, Sweetie, very much" I said.

"Lub chew, mama, nite nite."

"Night night baby girl."

Time Out and attachment

When Charlie and I first met, she seemed to attach immediately, after a few hours. I couldn't put her down and no one else could hold her. If I left the room, she shrieked in terror.

All understandable for someone who, at 15 days, lost her biological mother. Everything must seem very insecure/impermanent once that happens.

I remember posting about her shrieking and how to discipline her, if say, she was pulling the table cloth off the table, or sticking her finger in the socket (a battle I didn't have the choice to "pick" or "not pick".)

I got lots of great advice and suggestions: distraction, holding, go to her every time she cries, etc. I tried different things. At 9 months, she was too young for the typical time outs, nor were they really needed as her disobedience was easily distracted and not born of willfulness or stubbornness but rather curiosity.

As she has aged (she is now almost 14 months) and gotten way more mobile (she can run and kick a ball at the same time!) some of her naughtiness has definitely taken a more mischievous tone. Now, don't get me wrong, 95% of the time she is an absolute angel, happy, follows direction, communicates well with pointing and some sign language, etc. And many times I allow her to do things that I'm not thrilled about (taking everything out of the cabinets and strewing the pots around the house, many times each day, etc). I do pick my battles because I hate having to say "no" all the time, or take things away from her when she's just trying to explore her world. But there are certain things she likes to do, over and over, which I would REALLY rather she didn't. For her own health. Like put her hands in the toilet bowl and splash and drink the water. I have told her, no joke, 50 to 70 times not to do that.

She still does, only now she tries to sneak in there when I'm busy. I always have my eye on her though, and catch her. I tried a stern voice, removing her, distracting her, closing the bathroom door so she can't get in, etc.

I decided it was time for time out. Let's try and see what happens, I thought.

I've watched my share of Supernanny and so thought I had a good handle on the steps of timeout: warn child that if they don't stop time out is coming, remove child and tell them to sit/stand in the timeout area; set timer; go back to child after timer goes off, kneel to their level and explain again why they are in timeout, ask for an apology, hug.

Well, she did all of it except say "sorry"! (because she can't talk yet). She was awesome! It worked GREAT. I couldn't believe she stayed in time out. She really understands a lot more English than I give her credit for. And that hug at the end was sooo sweet.

I liked this discipline procedure a lot because it kept me calm and even tempered, I don't have to repeat myself more than the first warning, and after the hug we can get on to doing fun things again. It's like the slate is wiped clean.

I don't know what age is usually appropriate to start using time out as a discipline tool, but I guess 14 months is not too young. I also think it helps with attachment, because, contrary to what one might first think, I believe discipline and attachment are closely related. After that hug, we are closer... I have set a limit; she has agreed (at least for the time being) that I'm the limit setter and she is the settee (shows respect); we have done this is a loving, non-angry way; we have hugged; and going to play afterward reinforces that she can be naughty and I will still love her and that forgiveness is alive at our house.

Brilliant.

What are your discipline tools and which ones work best for your family?

How does one teach kids not to bite?

Charlie's day care worker told me she bit a little boy yesterday, over a toy. The worker explained that she sees this often, and it's because the pre-verbal kids don't have many ways of communicating, and this gets the message across loud and clear: MINE.

She also said she saw Charlie "kissing" the boy, and then he cried, so she believes she bites when she does the open-mouthed kiss (she does, I've experienced it, but no where near every time).

Whenever she bites me (and this is not often) I yell OUCH very loudly and make a pout-ty face and turn away from her. I asked her teacher if there was anything I could do at home to prevent biting at daycare and she didn't really answer me.

She did tell me: "Charlie is VERY SMART. Verrry. Smart." She looked at me over the tops of her glasses then, as if imparting a special message. "She is picking up a lot of things here at daycare... some good.... some.... not so good."

In the Handbook for Parents that the daycare hands out to us, it plainly says not to ask the workers how smart your child is, or ask the workers to compare them to other children. So the fact that her worker said this made an impression.

I felt a swelling of pride (my girl is a FREAKING GENIUS, I KNEW it!) and a sense of dread (Karma is a bitch, Charlie will be payback for all the hell I put my own parents through).

Yikes!

Have any of you readers gone through this biting thing and how did you get it to stop? It's against the rules at daycare and I don't want her to get kicked out! I love her day care!

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to my blog. The plan is to keep family, friends, and voyeurs up to date on my adoption progress. I started this journey on December 8th, 2008, when I sent off my agency fee (!!!!$$$$!!!!) and contract. I had been told that it was imperative I get all my paperwork in as soon as possible to due the imminent change in laws that might prohibit singles from adopting in Ethiopia come the new year. So I got all my paperwork in by December 14th, a new record my social worker said! I had my home visit on the 11th. The only two pieces of paper not yet submitted are out of my control: my State Department Birth Certificate (4 to 6 weeks!) and my SBI fingerprint analyses (4 weeks). So I wait..... and hope.... that the powers that be in Ethiopia are slow to implement change.