Pain in the Butt Tax Info for You

I spent most of this glorious weekend inside working on my taxes, which this year are HIDEOUSLY complicated.

I did get outside with Charlie and two dogs and we frolicked in the park for awhile so that was nice. Also tried out the new Thai restaurant A MILE AWAY, which is pretty good!

But back to taxes. maybe I'll save you some of my headache.

I got the taxes done, but not having a SS # for Charlie yet, I put her Permanent Resident # into tall those spaces and claimed her as a dependent, took the Adoption Credit, and took the Dependent Care deduction.

Got ALL my taxes back! Woo Hoo!

Efiled.

Within minutes it came back as rejected.

Here's the part you NEED TO KNOW IF YOUR CHILD DOESN'T HAVE A SS# YET:

You need to go here: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/fw7a.pdf and fill out this form to get a temporary tax identification number, WHICH CAN TAKE 8 WEEKS to get. SO don't wait until you are doing your taxes to do this. WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY TELL YOU THIS STUFF AHEAD OF TIME?????

So now I have to figure out how to file an extension, when I already submitted the tax paperwork. Turbo Tax doesn't help much with these situations. It gets stuck in an endless loop. I'll probably just have to print it all out and snail mail it. Which is ok, just... I thought I was done :-(

I am in the process of getting her SS#, but the re-adoption took a lot longer than expected, and I'm still waiting on the state to send something or other before I can apply for her SS#. No way would all this get done before taxes are due.

Want to Save $4000.00 on Your Adoption???

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but you know how it goes…. The power goes out for 4 days, you crash your car, the baby’s in the hospital, the beach is calling…life happens.

I wanted to alert everyone to a way to save $2000.00 on their adoption paperwork. No one told me about this, I discovered it myself. Read on, there's also a chance to save double that.

When you have picked up your child and you are back in the states, the time has come to “re-adopt” your child. Yes, she is already legally yours, but the adoption agencies recommend re-adopting her in your state in order to get a new birth certificate with her American name on it, and also allow her to get a Social Security number and then a US passport. If you don’t re-adopt, she will remain a “permanent resident” which is fine, but she’s not a US Citizen with all the rights that come along with that. So it’s worth the additional paperwork HEADACHE.

HOWEVER.

My agency wanted to charge me $2000.00 to “do the re-adoption paperwork”. I asked what was involved in that and received a LONG email back with all kinds of mentions of forms and this and that. The explanation was so convoluted it made it seem like it would just be SO MUCH EASIER to just write out a check for two thou and be done with it. My dad looked into it a bit and found out that for $200.00 I could do all the paperwork myself, submit it to the clerk of court in my county, and get a home study assigned to me. The clerk of court (who was also the adoptions judge in our case) files the paperwork, and puts out a COURT ORDER for the Division of Social Services to send a Social Worker to do a home study. Thus forcing DSS to send a Social Worker to do this home study job for $200 (as opposed to the $1500-$2000 the agency’s home studies cost!!!). The judge has ordered that it be done within 60 days and it was done on the 59th day. People don't want to mess around with a court order.

This post may be a little confusing, I apologize for that.... I was confused going through the process… Eventually, I found myself sitting with a DSS contracted social worker going over the same questions that the agency social worker had asked me a year ago for my pre-placement home study. Déjà vu, just lots cheaper. It kind of pissed me off, actually, that my agency would inflate the rates 100% for this service. Really. Jeez.

Also, apparently it only costs $200 for a home study. I didn’t know that before going through this. It possible that I might have been able to hire this same DSS social worker on a private basis to do my pre-placement study and saved ANOTHER $1500-$2000!

Another way I saved some cash was I asked the DSS social worker to do my POST-PLACEMENT 3 month report. Basically, she took a few paragraphs from the home study she was writing, slapped on a letter head, and called it a post placement report. For free. My agency wanted me to hire their social worker for another $1000 to do the 3 month post placement report. And the 6 month post placement.

So by discovering this DSS social worker, and doing the re-adoption myself, I have saved $2000.00 for the re-adoption paperwork, and $1000 for the 3 month post placement report and $1000 for the 6 month post placement report. $4000 bucks total.

Just thought I’d share :-) Hope some folks will find this helpful and frugal.

To Addis and Back (Part 3) Embassy Day

("Thanks to Uncle Jamie for the awesome hand painted onesie! I look super cute in it!))

The goal for the next day was to go to the US Embassy and get our childrens' visas for entry into the USA.

Charlie had woken twice during the night for a bottle, and promptly fallen back asleep. She was a restless sleeper though (one minute her head was at the top of the bed, a few minutes later it was pointed towards the foot of the bed). She flipped and flailed all night, limbs bopping me in the face at any given moment. I got little to no sleep, but not really due her her restlessness... I just couldn't sleep from the excitement of becoming a mom in one day. I mean, I know this has been a process, with court dates and small moments of progress towards the final goal. But today was really the day I became 100% responsible for another human being's welfare. It's pretty huge.

Of course, I choose to think about the hugeness at 3 AM because I'm blessed like that.

Nowadays, that's the only time I get to think anymore, so I better get used to it. Ruminating, perseverating, obsessing and worrying all work well with the insomnia I've been suffering from actually... like a hand fits a glove... Perfect!

So I was exhausted on Embassy day, as was Charlie who had (probably) the second most traumatic day of her short life yesterday.

The morning we spent just getting used to each other and then in the afternoon, mom helped me load Charlie into the Ergo carrier and we climbed on the van to the Embassy with all the other families and their kids.



The Embassy looks like a fortress of beige cinder block, not unlike a prison. We had to go through two separate and extensive security checkpoints, more in depth than the airlines make you do. No cameras or cellphones allowed. We were escorted into a hot room with rows of plastic chairs and a germ-y pit of a play area (none of us allowed the kids to go in there, at least, not for long after seeing how gross it was in there!)

Charlie did quite well in her carrier, even though we were made to wait over 2 hours. It was hot in that windowless brick oven of a room, and we didn't bring water for the adults. Charlie, of course, had a huge diaper bag's worth of formula, water (she can drink from a cup!) and all 100 neccessary items a baby needs at all moments of the day.

The space between my back and Charlie's front was rapidly reaching Def-Con 5. She did not cry or have a meltdown though! She did really well and was patient throughout.

Finally all of us had our childrens' visas in hand and headed back for the guesthouse. No one was much in the mood to go out to eat, we were all exhausted.

I just was extremely grateful that I had received Charlie the day before Embassy day... I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I'd had to bring her to the Embassy in the heat and humidity and wait for 2 hours while she was in meltdown/trauma mode. That would have been unbearable, for her, for me, and for everyone around us.

This was kind of a boring day, with only one goal to be met. Which was good as I was not the only exhausted parent around. One couple from China had adopted two infants and had their hands pretty full! Charlie was a trooper and did very well and made me proud. Ergo? Check! Patience during sweaty wait? Check! Cuteness overload? Check!

Her wonderful temperament was to be severely tested the next day... shopping day. But that's another post ;-) for tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Dossier being translated in Ethiopia!

I was told by my social worker that my dossier has arrived in Addis and is in the proces of being translated!

Next step: court date!

Wooo-Hooo!

Here we go again!

There's nothing better than driving home from work on a Friday afternoon before a 3 day weekend!

It seems like such a looong time to enjoy not working!

I already know what it will feel like come Monday night... but right now, the Friday afternoon, the possibilities are endless.

Also, my i600A Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition approval form is now in ADDIS! This is just one more paperwork step, and all it means is that the U.S. Embassy in ET is aware that I will be coming with an orphan to have an interview. If I pass the interview they will issue a visa to my maybe-daughter.

Have a great weekend everyone :-)

What should I tell my child about why s/he was adopted?

First of all, good news to share: my dossier is in Washington, D.C! Which means it was approved by my state and is almost on it's way to Ethiopia. Hurry D.C!

Secondly, in preparing for this adoption, I have done HUGE amounts of reading about the process and effects on the child. Through this reading, I've come to believe that telling the child (in an age appropriate way) at a young age is the "right" thing to do. In reading my agency's binder this morning, some of the phraseology I was planning on using ("You are special because you were chosen", "Your birth mother didn't have enough food because there was a famine and everyone was really poor, but she loved you so much she gave you to someone who could take care of you and feed you." etc) I'm going to have to re-think.

Here is some of what I read, with apologies to not being able to give credit as none is cited except for within the text itself:

* It is important for you to sort out your feelings about the birth parents...the child will pick up on your feelings. If the birth parents are perceived as bad (or "less than"), the child will conclude that maybe she is bad too.

* "Your Birth Mother loved you but..." Experts disagree on whether to tell the child this. Dr. Denis Donovan argues it sends a confusing message to young minds that love comes to be equated with abandonment early in the child's life. Another problem with this explanation is that you love the child too. Will you also put him up for adoption?

* "Your birth parents were poor..." It is best not to emphasize the socioeconomic status of the birth parents because that may cause all sorts of negative feelings in the child. Why didn't someone help them? The child is likely to feel sorry for the birth parents, and feel survivor guilt hearing about other children left behind in orphanages. Another problem with the "birth parents were poor" explanation is what if you lose your job or even unthinkingly complain about finances? Your child might conclude he may be placed for adoption again.

* Telling your child she is "special" or "chosen" can also be problematic. (I really didn't know this one!) In most cases the child was not really chosen. Being "special" could be burdensome for the child, who may worry about living up to this label.

* Don't talk about adoption too often, it may annoy your child. Pay attention to her body language, you will be able to tell if she wants to talk. "If a happy medium can be achieved, with the child knowing about the adoption, understanding that it is an important part of her life, and knowing she can ask questions about it, but not believing it to be a primary family topic that underlies everything, that is best."

* Don't talk about adoption during times of family crisis (financial, health, relationship). For example, bringing up adoption right after a bad report card might make her believe you think she is not as bright as her adoptive family. Otherwise, why would you bring it up at this time?

* So what TO say then? We've heard about what NOT to say. Here are some things that are suggested:

- Explain that the birth parents were not able to parent. Keep it simple. For whatever reason (poverty, abuse, neglect, young age, cultural shame over single mothers, etc) the simple fact is they were not able to parent their child. At an older age, you can give more details if she asks for them and if you think she is ready to handle them.

- Explain that it was not your child's fault they were given up for adoption. It had nothing to do with how they looked, acted, or any other circumstances. Children often have magical thinking and believe they are the cause of deaths, divorces, and abandonment.

- If others heap accolades on you for adopting (for "saving a life"), especially in front of the child, make sure you explain that everyone in the family has gained from the adoption.

- Explain to the child that your family was "formed by adoption" which conveys the specialness idea. If you are religious, you may want to say that God sent the child to you, and that God sends some children biologically and some through adoption.

- Do not assume the child will bring up the subject of adoption. Some kids will act as though everything is wonderful, but have deep seated fears they are not talking about. Bring up the general topic and ask your child what she thinks. Birthdays are a day when thoughts of birth parents frequently come up. Find natural moments for discussion, like after an adoption special on T.V. It's always easier to start conversation with an pen-ended question than a yes/no question. So "Are you thinking about your birth mother?" might result in a short answer, while "I'm proud of you and I bet your birth mom is too. What are your thoughts on that?" might lead to a fuller conversation.


So I learned a LOT from this article and wanted to share it with my readers. Some of the things I learned go directly against things I've read elsewhere (like the "you're special because you were chosen" idea). And some things SEEM like common sense, but it's good to be reminded (like the report card paragraph) because there might not be a link in a non-adopted person's head where there would be one in the adopted child's head.

Parenting Classes

"Why are you always in parenting class?" some people have asked (who follow my facebook status updates). "Is that an agency requirement?"

No, it's actually not an agency requirement.

I'm in parenting class because I started them a couple of months ago as a pre-requisite to become a foster parent, and now I feel I should finish what I started.

Over Thanksgiving, I first told my family I was considering becoming a foster parent. This news was met with great enthusiasm and, I think, some relief ("Finally! She's normal!") It was also suggested that I may want to explore other parenting options, such as adoption and freezing eggs. I thought those were brilliant ideas.

I decided to open all three parenting doors and see what happened. I knew that which ever child walked through the first door would most likely slow down the other options or stop them completely. However, I also knew that all three of these options can take years and so to get started and not wait to do things in any particular order.

When I get motivated to do something, I can be a woman possessed. And so I got my adoption paperwork done in 4 days, got the home study done in that first week, started parenting classes, got a IVF doctor's next available appointment, etc. "Project Parenting" was ON!

Little did I know that none of the three options would take very long at all. My referral came in just over a month. Parenting classes, started in December, are now almost over. The IVF doctor said he sees no reason I couldn't conceive and to come back when I'm ready.

Theoretically, I could have a house full of kids in a matter of months. Zero to 60 in seconds flat.

Realistically, two doors have been shut.

I can't foster with an infant in the house. I chose an agency that works with "hard to place" children, and they prefer a one child per house ratio in most cases. It would be unfair to all concerned to foster one special needs child, while learning to parent an infant. And the biological option is completely out the window... unless I was to get a nanny. Which I'm not sure is a good idea. Why have more kids than you can raise yourself? Being single, I have to think about these things. There is no one else to pick them up from day care, drop them off, take them to the doctor, stay home when they are sick, etc. Just me. I think it will be challenging enough with one.

We'll see. Maybe when she is a toddler these other options can be revisited.

In the meantime, I continue to attend these parenting classes three times a week AFTER a full day of work, from 6 PM to 9PM. On a typical day, I leave my house early and arrive at work by 8 AM. I work all day at a usually frenetic pace. I leave work at 5:30 PM and instead of heading home to my poor isolated dogs and American Idol, I drive the opposite direction and arrive at class by 6PM. I try to keep my eyes open until 9PM, but many nights that is difficult.

The awful thing is, I don't think I'm learning much. They take 3 hours to teach a concept that could be learned in 20 minutes... and they strrretch it out for 3 hours. There have been a few good moments, like a great video of an adult foster child recounting his experience with the agency, but mostly it is common sense stuff. I also don't think you can learn parenting from a book. Concepts, yes. How to react to a child throwing a tantrum in Kmart.... I think you just learn by being in the situation. Parents, what do you think? can you learn this stuff from a book?

I keep thinking this is the last week of classes, but then they spring a make up class, a CPR class, etc. So now I think NEXT week will be the last week of classes. It will feel like being on vacation to only have my 40 hour week and 4 hours of student supervision to conduct!

ETA: Regarding the post below this one, I received several comments and emails informing me there has been a year long repreive, and although second hand stores will still be affected after that year, they have time now to get their act together. The people most likely to be seriously affected by the law, and at risk to be put out of business, are the thousands of small time crafters in this country that rely on their handiwork to bring in income. The "committe" who came up with this new law is made up of TWO people. Seems an awful lot of power to give just two people. (I know it has to be passed by our representatives, but honestly, how closely do you think you they read the fine print?) I'm sure they are receiving no end of flak for this, and they voted (2-0) to put it on the shelf for a year. I wonder if either will retire in the next 12 months.....

Received From 171-H Petition to Adopt Orphan!

Today in the mail I received the Advanced Petition to Adopt an Orphan from Abroad, from USCIS! This is what you receive after you have sent off form I-600A and then waited awhile and then driven two hours at 5 AM to get your fingerprints taken, and also had your home study done and sent to USCIS! After all that, this is what you get! I'm one step closer. I think all this form means is that the U.S. Government is expecting me to bring an orphan back to the States within the next 18 months.

My social worker says she *thinks* I will be traveling in June!!!

Spoke (wrote) too soon.....

1-15-2009

I wrote too soon regarding my upcoming timeline, so I've gone back and edited it a bit. The reason is my birth certificate.... I never had one. Since I was born overseas to U.S.Diplomats, I automatically was a U.S.Citizen and never needed to get official documents once we returned to the States. I may or may not have a "Report of Birth Abroad" and the State Department now has to go looking for that. That could take another 3 weeks. All this after they cashed my check and have been "looking" for my birth certificate for 6 weeks! Were they ever going to tell me I didn't have one? Or were they going to wait until my daughter was age 10 before letting me know?

Thankfully, my parents, who live near D.C., were able to go to the Office of Vital Statistics in person and get this all figured out. Otherwise I'd still be sitting here waiting for the mail everyday. It's impossible to reach a human through the phone number listed on their website and emails remain unanswered.

I thought I'd post this just in case in the future there is an adoptive parent born abroad to diplomats... you most likely won't have a birth certificate either. I might have just saved you weeks or months of waiting.

On the other hand, part of me has to believe in the whole fate thing and that these things happen for a reason, the reason being my daughter isn't born yet and I need to wait a bit maybe.... or my daughter hasn't been reliquished yet and I need to wait a bit maybe...

I have asked those in charge to check and see if my Brazilian birth certificate will do as far as the dossier goes. I do have a Brazilian BC. I don't know if that would complicate matters since I'm a US citizen or not. I don't want to complicate matters.

Great referral news! Maybe. Choices

OR.....







1-14-2009

Yesterday I met with my agency's social worker. She said that my mom could visit the orphanage and take videos, pictures, and bring gifts if she wanted when she travels to ET in March on a trip she had already planned before this whole adoption process started.

She also said that I was welcome to go in March as well, if I could afford two trips. I would be able to learn the culture a bit and explore the country, so that I could teach my child about it. I could visit the orphange. If I had a referral by then, I could meet her!

The original thought, was that I would be traveling later in the year just due to the length of time things usually take. During the rainy season traveling is not good. You have to wear knee high boots as the roads are flooded with rain and SEWAGE. I can't see wanting to go to the market/coffee ceremony/museum in sewage.


Also, I was planning a trip to Mexico in March, and while tickets are not yet bought, I was looking forward to it as my "last" hurrah before becoming a tired parent. I cannot afford a Mexico trip, plus an ET trip, plus an ET "pick up" trip (either financially or in annual leave from work.) One airfare to ET is equal to a week's stay in Mexico, all inclusive.

Major decisions....


What would you do if it was your choice?


Mexico in March and ET in rainy season?


Travel to ET in March to explore? Then go back a couple months later to adopt?

Officially a Godmom

1-12-2009

This weekend flew by as if in a dream and I'm back at work, sitting at my desk, amazed that in the past two days I boarded four separate planes and none of them crashed.

This seems to defy all odds.

It also feels strange that I traveled so far, become a Godmother, and returned, and all is still normal here at work.

The Christening was a beautiful ceremony. The priest had all the children in the congregation come to the baptism bowl and sit around so they could see and be a part of. Baby A. did not voice a peep at any point! He's really an amazing baby. He sat through an hour long ceremony, got cold water dripped on his head, was passed around to ump-teen people, including strangers, and took it all with a smile and sometimes a nap. Baby A. was wearing a Christening gown hand sewn by his grandmother which included embroidered designs from all four of his ancestor's countries along the middle. He also wore a little bonnet for part of the time, but didn't like that so much, according to his mom.

This can't be a long post because we are only allowed personal computer time during our breaks and lunch... but I will write more later and post pictures once I get home. For now, I'm just happy to be home safe and sound!

P.S Good news to add! My SBI fingerprint review was in my mailbox upon returning. I will hand carry them to my agency tomorrow and my homestudy packet will then be complete and can be sent to USCIS. Considering my homestudy was done and 99% complete on December 20th, this has been a difficult piece of paper to have to wait for.

The only other document missing now is my birth certificate, which I sent off for on December 8th, 2008! They say on their website it will take 4 to 6 weeks. We are now 4.5 weeks waiting for that. I paid extra for them to send it back Fed Ex.

Fingerprints

12-28-2008

One more step in the hundreds of steps of international adoption: I received my appt to go and get my fingerprints for USCIS (immigration) in January. I have already gotten my fingerprints from the local court house, and had a criminal check through the county and I'm waiting for the state criminal check to come back as well. So this is a third fingerprinting that needs to be done. For this one, I will have to wake up at 5 AM and drive 2.5 hours to be there at 8 AM. this is the day after I fly back late at night from my wonderful nephew's christening (guess who's Godmom?!!!!) So I'm sure I will be completely exhausted. I COULD reschedule, but that entails mailing a request for rescheduling and probably another month long wait, so I'm not going to reschedule, I'll just tough it out and play loud music so as not to fall asleep at the wheel.

They don't make this stuff easy.

Nor should it be. We wouldn't want criminals and child abusers adopting any child.

But why not do one national data base fingerprint check and be done with it? Say, FBI or CIA or Home Land Security, instead of county, state and national.