Operating Instructions

Another book review.

“Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year” by Anne Lamott (of Traveling Mercies fame)

I love this book and I’m only ¾’s of the way into it.

Oh, it has GEMS!

Bright sparkly GEMS all over!

Here is one I can relate to: “I have these secret pangs of shame about being single, like I wasn’t good enough to get a husband.”

Or how about: “ …one of the worst things about being a parent, for me, is the self-discovery, the being face to face with one’s secret insanity and brokenness and rage. I have always known, or at least believed, that way down deep, past being kind and religious and trying to take care of everyone, I was seething.” Wow-sa, does that hit home. Those sleepless nights when the baby is colicky and you think you could ram your head straight into a wall from desperation…

About a decade ago, I recall an astrologist doing my chart, he put my birth date, birth place, etc into a computer program, looked up at me and said: “You are completely unbalanced.” I said, “Tell me something I don’t already know.” He said, “You are unbalanced in that you take care of everyone and no one takes care of you.” At the time it was so true. I had a dog, two cats, a townhouse, 14 residents in a halfway house I was directing, and 13 staff members who were mostly looney-tunes themselves. Nowadays, take away 2 cats, replace them with 2 more dogs and a toddler, and I’m in the same position. Except with more responsibility, another house and 200 clients. I can feel rage bubbling up at any given moment, at the slightest provocation. On the other hand, I’m blessed with a great job, a loving family, good health and everything is fine. Go figure. Is every mother like this? Or just me and Anne Lamott??

And the way she describes the dichotomy of motherly emotions is FUNNY: “I wish he could take longer naps in the afternoon. He falls asleep and I feel I could die of love when I watch him, and I think to myself that he is what angels look like. Then I doze off, too, and it’s like heaven, but sometimes only twenty minutes later he wakes up and begins to make his gritchy rodent noises, scanning the room wildly. I look blearily over at him and think, with great hostility, Oh, God, he’s raising his loathsome reptilian head again.”

She confides about her fears about giving birth to a son, rather than the more familiar gender. She writes: “…of course I’m edgy about the whole thing, about having my child having a penis instead of a nice delicate little lamb of a vagina…” and goes on to describe in colorful language the assaults she has endured at the receiving end of penis’ (penii?). I also thought it would be impossible for my body to create a male. When I decided to adopt, it never occurred to me to ask for a boy. I thought I wouldn’t be able to love a boy… they are so different. So foreign. Now that I’m a mom, I realize I COULD love a boy, very much, but it didn’t seem that way during the imagining stage.

She writes about the pain her son will inevitably go through not having a father: “ I don’t have any idea what I will tell Sam when he is old enough to ask about his father. I’ll say that everyone doesn’t have something and that he doesn’t have this one thing, but that we have each other and that is a lot…” I can see myself saying something similar to Charlie.

To try and fill the gap of fatherlessness Anne is amassing a “tribe" to help take care of him, made up of family and friends. Asking for help no matter how difficult that can be. She has people stopping by every day, bringing groceries, cooking, doing laundry, babysitting, taking her son to the park. Jeez! I’m missing out! I’ve been taking care of Charlie 24/7 when not at work, except for when her grandparents visit. Reading that part motivated me to pick up the phone and call a mom I know and suggest we trade babysitting hours on the weekends, which she agreed would be a great idea.

It’s not often I find a book that is both motivating, relatable, AND funny, so I highly recommend this one for all new mothers and even old ones. The love she feels for her son absolutely comes through, this is not a “bashing motherhood” book. Just a realistic, no holds barred type of motherhood book. There’s a gem on every page, every few lines for Pete’s sake! Too many to transcribe here. Go out and buy this book. It would also make a great gift for any pregnant woman, especially singles.

Putting the dog.... should I say it? ...putting the dog "to sleep".

Charlie and her Opa (grandfather) have a blast together. She ADORES him. They play together every day, ALL DAY, when her grandparents visit, and Opa has a great imagination. He comes up with all kinds of games that are exactly age appropriate for her, and help her learn a few skills beyond her level. But they are also tons of fun for her.

Here she is "putting the dog to sleep".

Notice the cuteness of the way she "shakes out the blanket" before laying it on the dog. Opa says Charlie came up with that detail on her own.

So this is a video of that game. Of course, as soon as the video appears, everything stops, or becomes hesitant, or distracted, even after she just did the whole thing 5 times in a row. But I still think I was able to capture most of this game.

Enjoy!

Have you ever felt anything as soft as...

Me, while changing Charlie, to (Charlie's 4 year old cousin) Zoe: "Zoe, feel Charlie's tummy...."

Zoe: "That's soft!"

Me: "I know! Isn't it amazingly soft?? Have you EVER felt anything as soft as Charlie's tummy before?"

Zoe: "Yes."

Me: "Really? What was that?"

Zoe: "Charlie's thigh."

So cute. :-)


PS I'm battling a computer virus here known as Windows Police Pro... It's causing a million pop up ads saying I need protection from viruses. DUH.

However, the ads lead you to a site that takes your passwords and credit card info and steals from you!

It's not allowing me to open any programs other than IE, so luckily I can still blog and check email, but that's it. No pictures, no video, no NOTHING until I get this solved. Apparently it's possible to download a Spyware program that will get rid of it, but after downloading and running several of the suggested ones, no luck. Any ideas?

Beach!

We are leaving tomorrow for 2 whole glorious weeks at the beach!

Charlie and I are traveling by air (start the prayers, please) with her on my lap (continue the prayers, please) to a family reunion with over 20 family members (keep them coming)!

It should be a raucous blast.

This will be the first time most of my family is meeting Charlie, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm sure she is getting tired of me as her only play buddy during the day. I'm not that exciting of a player, although I excel in other areas. Soon she will have her cousins, aunts and uncles, and especially grandparents, to play with her all day long.

I think she'll be a great hit with the relatives, as are all the infants in the family, because she is so cute and has a really engaging personality. Yea, I'm not biased or anything.

She will also be celebrating her 1st birthday while we are there!

Unfortunately, I won't be able to blog during that time (or at least, I don't think I will be able to). I'll probably lose all my readers in this next two weeks :-( Blog readers are such task masters! Since I've become a mother and gone from posting daily to posting every other day, I've already experienced a large drop in readers! Argh! Please come back when we get home! I'll have lots of Charlie pictures. Charlie on the beach pictures. What could be better?

Maybe I will post one more tomorrow morning before leaving....

Silly Saturday

My niece and nephew are so smart, they figured out there was a camera on this rollercoaster ride, and figured out exactly where it was and when it was taking a picture.... and posed for it. Hilarious! Ola is making the "L" for "loser" symbol. Sheesh these kids.... precocious.

Their smarts were showing long before this picture. Here's this Saturday's installment:

Matthew 2 yrs, 2 months – Matthew & Daddy having dinner alone. Matthew having chicken and peas and Daddy quickly cooked hotdogs for himself. Matthew pointed at Daddy’s plate and said, “Hotdog!” Daddy asked, “Would you like to try a hotdog?” Matthew answered, “No, I eat food.”

Matthew 2 yrs, 4 months – Matthew was enjoying a cookie as he clomped around the house in his Dutch wooden shoes. Daddy asked, “Do you knew where people wear shoes like that, Matthew?” Matthew replied, “On their feet, Daddy.”

Introducing Matty and Ola

Until recently my only adult-child relationships were with my nieces and nephews. I have 5 of them total, offspring from different cousins. They are all awesome and I love hanging out with them. They are cuddly and smart and hilarious. One of my cousins has been diligently writing down all the funny stuff that comes out of their mouths as they grow up, and I thought I'd start a weekly post with one saying per week. Just a little light humor to start the weekend. I'm not sure what to call these posts (Silly Saturdays? Matty's Mondays? Give me a suggestion please!)

(Drum roll please) Introducing... Matty and Ola!!!! (aka Matthew and Olivia, but I call them Matty and Ola because we roll like that).

Matthew 2 yrs, 3 months – Matthew: “I want toast & jam please.”
Daddy: “You had toast and jam for breakfast.”
Matthew: “No, dinosaur ate my breakfast.”
Daddy: “A dinosaur? From where?”
Matthew: “Outside. He came in my house and ate my breakfast!”
Daddy: “Were you drinking when this happened?”
Matthew: “Yeah”

and just because it's the first week, here's another favorite of mine:

Matthew 3 years, 6 months – Daddy was helping Matthew with his pants after going potty. Daddy said, “You’ve gone to the potty three times this afternoon. It must be all the lemonade you drank at lunch.” Matthew leaned over and looked into the toilet and said, “Nope, that’s juice.”

My favorite part

12-29-2008

This is just a light post today because I have nothing much to add.

My favorite part of all the blogs I'm reading is the part where the family FINALLY gets to travel to ET and see their child!

Every blog I read, I try to figure out their travel dates through the timeline and narrow it down from there. Some of these blogs I have to go back a few years in time to get the "pick up" story.

I love the stories about Ethiopian Air, arrival in Addis, the people, the culture, the taxi drivers and the ride to the hotel, and best of all, the trip to meet their child. And then, there's always the part where the other kids in the family get to wear the traditional ET dress. Oh yea, and doing a project at the orphanage, or dancing with the kids in a ring at the orphanage. I hope I get to do that stuff too :-)

I find it hard to believe almost everyone has to spend the first day and night without seeing their child. I guess you are so jet lagged it's smart... but I don't think, if I was in the same city as my daughter, that I could rest until I was with her.

My social worker invited me to lunch on the day I get my fingerprints, which is nice, since we will be in the same city.

My cousin emailed me and suggested I start a baby registry and listed about 50 things I need to get! I called her and explained I should have plenty of time after getting the referral, and then the court date, and then passing court.... It's not like I will not have advanced warning. Plus, with the co-sleeping part of attachment parenting, who knows if I'll even need a crib? And with the long wait post referral, who knows what size she will be for a car seat, or clothes? So much to think about and figure out! It's nice my cousin is so excited though :-) I was very excited for her first child too. I even drew a comic book for her of her pregnancy that I thought (modesty here) was hysterically funny. It's nice we can share this excitement.

I know there are similarities and differences to a biological pregnancy, but I think adoption must be harder in some ways.... Like the not knowing WHEN. With a bio pregnancy, you know WHEN to a large degree, and you know what size your child will be to a large degree. You know you will need a crib and car seat, and which size car seat. If you are past a certain point, in biological pregnancy you also know that eventually that baby is coming. Period. With adoption, even that is not certain.

Well, I don't want to start a debate on which is harder to go through, so I'll end by saying I'm sure they are both difficult, and both with great rewards.

Announcement to family

12-27-2008

I'm back from a week long trip to be with family over the Christmas holiday. It was a fun, chaotic, joyful time. There are now 5 "grandchildren" (meaning the generation after mine - we used to be "the grandchildren" but time moves on) all under the age of 10. Two of them are still infants and one a toddler. They all add so much to Christmas! It's amazing how 17 adults can stop all conversation and turn their full attention when an infant enters the room! Is it like that in all families?

I did notice the absence of my daughter. I imagined what it would be like with one more infant there... Probably even more chaotic, but I'm sure we could have handled it! But God knows best and so maybe a waiting period of (hopefully less than ) a year is prudent. Prudent but agonizing.

It was also hard not to talk about the adoption during the 5 days prior to Christmas Eve. We (my parents and I) wanted to announce it in a special way, and so waited until Christmas Eve when we were all gathered at my cousin's home for dinner. We opened a few gifts and "suprises " (Dutch tradition of poems and small gifts). The announcement came in the form of a poem my father wrote for me to read. I teared up, especially at the part about the biological mother. After the poem was read, no one was quite sure what it meant... some thought perhaps y parents were "sponsoring" a child ("for the cost of a cup of coffee per day") When they figured it out there were lots of hugs and congrats and talk of names and questions. Lots of joy! Here is the poem my dad wrote:

"Many years ago in Rio De Janeiro

A baby girl was born into the home

Of two diplomats stationed there

Ready to give her all their love and care.

Of ----'s parents everything was known

Their ancestry, their families, their genes

Yet it was impossible by any means

To predict or foresee

The beautiful person she would one day be.

Many years later, perhaps this very day

In Ethiopia far away

Another baby girl is born

And of her parents nothing much is known.

Except her mom and dad are no longer there

To give her all the love and care

She needs to grow one day for all to see

The beautiful woman she can be.

Sometimes it seems we have little say

Over how our lives progress from day to day

But this little baby needs ---- as her mother

And even more,

---- needs her to love and care for.

Sometimes it seems to me,

Some things are meant to be."

Isn't that lovely?

Mom says she has already had 3 dreams about this baby. I try to warn her (and myself) not to get too attached.... so many things can go wrong. I will pray, and hope, and do my end of the footwork, and trust that "some things are meant to be."