"Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother"

I finished "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" during my vacation and wanted to review it here. On Amazon, it has some quite polarized reviews. People seem to either love it or hate it. I loved it. Despite a few sentiments I COMPLETELY disagreed with. Some agencies are recommending it for pre-adoption study.

The opening premise:

"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into something familiar but changed. It took me a lot longer to become a mother than it did to adopt a baby."

That last sentence rings so true. All of it does really.

I went through this book highlighting passages that struck me as insightful, honest, or funny. Despite the seriousness of the topic, Wolff is able to handle some issues with humor. The second chapter is sub-titled "What If We Get A Dud?" and addresses the (I believe universal) fear that one won't like the looks/personality/spirit of the child referred to you. As she puts it: "Meeting your adoptive baby is like being set up on a blind date with someone who will consume your next eighteen years." Scary stuff. Terrifying.

Yet we do it. Some of us.

When I think about all the things that could have gone wrong, from the process and paperwork and country laws, to the child's health or personality... well, it's overwhelming. I must have been INSANE. What was I thinking??? That I could trust an agency to pick out a child across the world that would be a good fit for me and my family???? That's insane! They don't even pick according to temperament (like you might when adopting a pet)... it's just whoever is the right age and next in line. INSANE.

Then she writes a... strong?....horrible?.... honest? letter to her son's birth mother. It includes sentences like:"I know I should be really grateful to you, but I don't feel very grateful about having to beg a complete stranger for her baby when I really want my own." Woah. That I don't agree with. Adoption was my first choice though, I guess it wasn't her first choice and it shows throughout the book unfortunately. The letter continues: "If you don't feel qualified to be a parent yourself, how are you going to decide whether we are qualified? What kind of person would get herself knocked up by a guy who runs away when he hears the news? Haven't you heard of birth control? Of AIDS? Of abortion?... I don't want my kid to be someone's mistake." Yowzaa.... HARSH!

Some of her secret thoughts are more like wishes: "I..secretly wished to be treated with the kindness and special attention bestowed on many pregnant women."

I, too, wished for that. I remember being trounced by a particularly rule-abiding citizen on a online forum. I had written in a celebratory tone that I had used the "Expectant Mother" parking spot in a near empty parking lot in front of Babies 'R Us. She blasted me for that. I remember thinking: "She has no idea what this is like... because if she did, she would have a smidge of compassion and rejoice with me." That there are no physical signs that motherhood was around the corner. As Wolff puts it: "Motherhood was both imminent and elusive... It was very strange and disconcerting to be an instantaneous parent. I may have had a lot of emotional catching up to do, but I had no free time in which to do it." (And I'll add no free energy with which to do it, either.)

One sentence that struck me like a slap across the face was about how adoption "is no one's first choice". It was mine. I can see how if you are struggling with infertility, it might not be your first choice, but using words like "no one" 'never' "always" sets you up to be very wrong, and to offend people in the process. I get what she was saying, but it's not true. I know one adoptee at work, who is glad she was taken away fro her birth mother. it was an abusive situation. So she might also say that adoption was her first choice. There are too many different situations to make sweeping statements like that. but I'm not going to let one sentence put me off a whole book, so I kept reading and I'm glad I did.

The chapters are only a couple of pages and it's a quick read. Even so, there is plenty packed in there to keep you thinking, and learning. Each chapter had me gasping, thinking, laughing, or relating. I recommend the book.

6 Months Later.....

In the excitement of being snowbound for 4 days, followed immediately by the holidays, I neglected to blog about my 6 month anniversary of having met Charlie and becoming a family of two with her.

Things have changed GREATLY since that first day when she cried for 5 hours straight.

If you read some of the archives, I was an uncertain mother (still am in many regards, but different regards) learning to nurture a child who had been separated from everything she knew. Some of the posts talked of attachment parenting in the face of tantrums. Some posts asked for help with her fear of letting me out of her sight. Some days seemed like they would never end, as far as the crying and then Post Adoption Depression combined with maternity leave hit. Then some days felt like they would never end...

I've written about all of it, although it took me awhile to write about the depression, as one of the biggest taboos in today's society is being a "bad mother".

So, 6 months later, I can honestly write that I think I'm a "good enough" mother. I'm not perfect. There are still days when, like being stuck in the house for 4 days with no electricity, having to entertain a toddler for 16 hours a day, I thought I would lose it. But things have gotten MUCH better. For those of you suffering from PAD, get on some meds if your Dr. thinks that will help, and hang in there.

Today, Charlie is a precocious, happy child. She still has tantrums, but I walk out of the room (ala Supernanny) and that works almost instantly to quell them. Most of the time she is happy, affectionate, bright, curious, active, loving. She is confidant and will go with her babysitters when I need to leave without fear. She has a nighttime routine which is easy (for both of us) and consistent, whether she's at home or somewhere else. Makes traveling much less stressful. There have been a lot of changes, for the better.

The only "problem" we are still dealing with is biting at her daycare. I truly believe this is due to her having teeth coming out on all four sides of her mouth at once. She is getting better. I brought Ora gel to the school and her teachers give her a cold washcloth several times a day. Since then she has had a few "attempts" but no successful completions of a bite. I'm grateful the school is working with us on this, and there has been no talk of expelling her. Well, they'd lose $700 a month so I suppose they are loath to expel anyone. Not good business practice. But still, I appreciate it.

She is well bonded with me and her grandparents, who visit often. I probably am not the role model for attachment parenting, I do let her cry it out for 10 minutes at a time, but it works for us.

There are moments when she is absolutely the cutest thing on earth. Like when her little lips form to babble her high pitched baby talk, or when she points her chubby forefinger right into my eye and says "AIIIIIIIIII??????" When she points her finger and frowns sternly at the dogs and says "no no nooooooo" when they try and take her cookie. When she tries to rub lotion into her round tummy with her uncoordinated hands and looks up, pleased as punch, to make sure I noticed. When she says "mamamamamamamamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" until I look up, and then she asks "moh?" and makes the sign for "more" when eating tangerines.

I get enough sleep, but I am still tired a lot of the time. I'm lucky Charlie is a good sleeper. She has me beat by a few hours per day actually :-) I suppose the fatigue just goes along with single parenthood and all the responsibilities that need to be taken care of. It's endless. I'm on the 3rd load of laundry this weekend. One load a day really. But I knew most of this when signing on so I'm not complaining. In fact, I'm very lucky. Charlie is very easy for the most part. Many times, if she wakes up before me, she plays quietly in her crib until I get up. She has started saying "sank yooo" whenever you hand her something. My family was quite impressed with that ;-) considering she is only 16 months old. (I took all the credit for teaching her that, when really it was her daycare who taught her. Shhh! Don't tell anyone.)

When I think of parenting a special needs child... I just don't know how people handle that. Hats off to them. I couldn't do it without a very involved partner.

So that's where we are 6 months later. I'm not totally over my depression, but then, I don't know if I ever will be. I've had some low grade depression since my teens, so I don't know if that will ever totally lift. Charlie does help me find joy just in watching her.

Elmo dress

Here is Charlie in her Elmo dress, which I think is so cute.

Thank you Ebay! This dress was $0.25!

My one tip of the day for those of you who are waiting... when it comes time for showers, don't ask for any clothes. In fact, you might want to ask for diapers and wipes instead. You will get clothes, there is no need to buy them on Ebay or anywhere else! I had no idea and so I bought a bunch of Ebay clothes for very cheap a few weeks before travel (as the nesting/freak out instinct kicked in), and then received beautiful new clothes at my showers. Charlie has so many clothes I never have to do laundry if I don't want to. Of course, it's nice to have brand new clothes and some of them are so super cute I do put her in them for special occasions. On the other hand, I spend about $75.00 every 2 weeks on diapers and wipes. So if I had to do it over, I would register for diapers and wipes of all sizes! Or, if you are having more than one shower (like a friends and family one and then a work one) maybe ask for diapers and wipes to be the theme at one of them.

Just my little tip of the day.

Is Charlie the lucky one? Really?

Many adoptive parents have blogged about this, so why not me too.

I wanna put my 2 cents in!

But then I read Hijas Americanas' post on the topic and realized I could never be as eloquent. She is a PUBLISHED AUTHOR (something I would LOVE to be, one day) I asked her if I could borrow it and she said 'sure' and so here you are.

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as luck would have it

“He’s such a lucky boy.”

Baby and I have been stopped by a well meaning town resident who I vaguely know. He’s not the first to say this to us.

“We think we’re the lucky ones,” I say. This is not the first time I’ve answered this way.

For now, I can hate that phrase– He’s such a lucky boy- but it doesn’t yet do any damage to baby’s psyche. One day, though, it will.

The truth is that I don’t see baby’s life as lucky. Being born in a country that is so disproportionately poor and resource-starved to parents who were so poor and resource-starved themselves that they could not raise him (we know a little more about baby’s story than I am implying in the previous sentence but out of respect for baby being the keeper of his story, we are holding that private until we are able to share it with him, and he is able to decide if he’d like to share it and with whom) actually feels to me like anything but luck.

Baby’s life, to me, though, shows me what faith is– faith in something greater than ourselves and faith in other people. Think of a mother who has given birth to this beautiful boy who she, of course, loves with all her heart. Think of the challenge you must be facing in your life to make the decision she makes. Think of the wisdom she has to know that love, sometimes, means not physically holding on– a wisdom I, the girl who holds on too long, could never have. Think of the faith she has to know that the right family will be waiting for him. No, sir, how our baby’s life has evolved is not borne of luck. It came alive when a woman that I admire to my core made a decision based on faith, based on a knowing deep within her, based on a stark assessment of her life and the injustice of this world, based on what might look like hopelessness to some but what I believe is really hopefulness. I don’t know how to dramatically reconcile the poverty of this world; it is what I most wish I were able to do. It wasn’t luck that brought us together. I know that for sure. And though I can’t yet articulate all of it in the way that I wish: I know that baby coming into our lives, our coming into baby’s life is part of something bigger than all three of us.

The other day, I was typing at my computer during BF’s time with baby, and I turned towards the chirping that was going on behind me. On the floor about ten feet away was our baby boy, concentrating hard on a soft car that he was given by one of my dearest friends for his birthday. The moment, it’s smallness and hugeness all in one, stole my breath, and there I was suddenly weeping. He does this to me, this boy. He breaks my heart, opens it up, and warms it all at the same time. Even as I type these words, remembering the scene, the unremarkableness of the moment wrapped in the remarkableness of our union, I am weeping again. There are times when the only prayer that I can say, the only words that I can muster are ”please, let me do enough.” Not my best, because I am terrified that I will somehow justify less than enough. And this baby boy, his biological parents, they have put so much faith in us, they have given us their trust, they have blessed our lives with this beautiful, beautiful boy. When I was weeping the other day, BF came to me and asked me if I was okay. The feeling inside of me was so big, I couldn’t give it words, I can’t really right now. I just shook my head at him, nodded towards the baby, and, thus, choked him up, too.

Remember that feeling you had the very first time you fell in love? It was so enormous that it almost didn’t fit inside of you. It felt like you would burst at any moment and that if this love somehow didn’t make it, you would die because there would be nothing else worth doing as much as loving this person. I remember thinking sometime in my twenties that love like that, that ferocity, that intensity, that joy laced with fear, doesn’t come back after first love. That the physical, visceral sensation of that only happens once. Weeping out of the blue as my child gummed on his car that day, I realized it comes back. As luck would have it, it comes back with a ferocity that swallows you.

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Thanks, Hijas, for letting me borrow your beautifully written piece. Go check out her website for other thought provoking posts.

Post Adoption Depression

In response to some of the comments regarding whether I should continue blogging (and thanks to all who commented, I feel much better about continuing!) I’m going to be doing a multi-piece episode on Post Adoptive Depression. I suffered from this for 3 months, and there is still a residual although things are getting much better. I have been thinking about writing about it, but worried about how I might be judged as a mother, and as a person. Also, not being "through it" totally, I thought I'd wait until I could say "It's 100% gone", but I'm not there yet and I'm still going to write about it.

The shame surrounding PAD is great. Greater, I think, than that surrounding Post Partum Depression. Not that it's a competition, of course both are terrible, but PPD seems to have “come into its own” lately, what with Brooke Shields writing about it and other media focus. With PAD, well, it’s still in the dark, hidden away. It’s not widely talked about, or even known. The attitudes seem to be “maybe I should just “snap out of it”, after all, there are no hormones to blame...” “This is something I worked for, very diligently and hard, and now I’ve got the child, I should be happy!” Yay! And if I’m are not happy, there is something very wrong with me, but shush, let’s not talk about it because that’s dark and weird. So act happy and like everything’s ok, and don’t forget people will be watching you to check on your parenting skills and they will be judging you, so taking a break is out of the question.

In my research on the subject, I came across the stat that 65% of adoptive mothers experience some degree of PAD. That’s a lot of mothers. Maybe even one of you….

So stay tuned.

In prep, here is a piece I found at Omegamom, which rang true. My experience is similar, just take away the husband.

Baby shock

So there you are, you’ve just got a referral or have just been matched with a baby due any minute, and you’re over the moon. You pad through the Shrine To Baby (aka the nursery) late at night, when the spouse is asleep, and you daydream about the future. You sit on the glider and snuggle with one of the stuffed animals that various friends and family have presented you, and pretend it’s your baby, and you sit and croon lullabies.

Your daydreams about motherhood (or fatherhood) are portrayed in your mind’s eye with a roseate glow, a soft-focus medallion of Madonna-esque Precious Moments type joy.

Friends are excited, relatives are excited, your spouse is excited, you are excited.

If you’re traveling to meet your baby, the excitement builds. You’re in a different place–Russia or China or Cincinnati or some other place you have never been before. You’re sightseeing, you’re dealing with officials, you’re meeting and bonding with your baby, it’s all new and different and vivid.

And then you get home.

Your baby, who slept like…well, a baby…while you were elsewhere, suddenly is adjusting to a new time zone. New smells. New sights. New sounds. He or she wakes up every three hours, and nothing you can do, short of carrying baby around for hours, will put baby back to sleep.

You are in a haze of sleep deprivation, and find yourself questioning your ability to do the most mundane of things (parallel parking? How do I do parallel parking again? I know I’ve done it before!).

The house becomes messy.

Your spouse returns to work, leaving you alone.

And this baby…this precious, darling child who you have longed for for years…is a stranger. You are suddenly a stranger to yourself. And this baby…precious, darling child…is a leech.

Yes. A leech.

Hanging on you.

Demanding all your time and attention.

Screaming if you leave the room.

Desperate for love. Hungry all the time. An endless source of wet and poopy diapers.

And you are the object of this small, self-centered person’s obsession. You realize you can’t do anything without this child hanging off you. You realize you can’t sleep, because your ear is suddenly attuned to the tiniest of grunts from the crib (or another room). Vacuuming the house is ditched entirely (even us lousy housekeepers do vacuum once in a while), because (a) you can’t do it with baby hanging off you, and (b) the noise terrifies baby.

You realize that you are Everything In the World to this small, self-centered creature. And your soft-focus daydreams of gently crooning baby to sleep in the glider have gone into the trashcan, because baby hates your singing, or baby is (like mine) a wiggler who couldn’t settle down to a nice crooning session to save her life.

You feel like your life is spiraling out of control.

You don’t like yourself anymore.

You resent your spouse (the light of your life) because s/he just Doesn’t Get It, and, besides, the bastard gets to leave the house and interact with other adults.

Your house is a shambles.

You feel like your life is a shambles.

You wonder if you’ve made the worst mistake in your life. You know there is No End In Sight, because you’ve signed an oath to take care of this small creature forever.

Does this describe your response in the first six months to a year after you adopted?

Don’t beat yourself up.

You’re not sick. You’re not insane. You’re not an Evil Person. They’re not going to come take your baby away (even at your most down moment, you are terrified that They are going to take her away).

Most of all, you are not alone.

There’s a thing called “Post-Adoption Depression”. It’s similar to Post-Partum Depression. PPD has the advantage of being explained away by waving hands at hormones, but y’know, OmegaMom has very big suspicions that the majority of it is what Jean MacLeod calls Baby Shock.

If you’re a new parent who has spent a long time with spouse, getting settled into spousal and life routines, tossing a baby into the mix just throws the whole gyroscope off balance. What was once a two-body problem (a very familiar term to physicists) has become infinitely more complex by adding a third body to the mix. And this holds true for adding another child after the first. (Please remind me of this when DotterSecunda shows up.) It’s a severe shock to the system.

I would say that it took OmegaDotter about six months to really, truly believe she “belonged” with us. I look back at pics of her first six months with us, and see, over and over, that what we considered “thoughtful” expressions were just plain “scared” expressions.

Further, I would say that it took me and Mr. OmegaMom a year to fully re-arrange our lives and become comfortable again.

As a person who is prone to depression, the disconnect between my daydreams and our reality after adopting did a number on me. (It didn’t help that I got laid off six months after we came home, what a blow to the ol’ ego.) The one thing that helped me immensely was realizing it was normal to feel this way, that many other adopting parents felt the same. I had read up on the various lists about returning home and having the child not sleep for the first three weeks. I had read up about Post-Adoption Depression, and was pretty much expecting it to hit me, due to the depression proneness. While I didn’t have a great real-life support system, I did have lots of friends on the internets who had BTDT, which helped.

For those who are about to adopt, and want info to be prepared, and for those who have just adopted and might be facing the same thing, I submit the following links:

• Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome - from Adopting.Org
• Adoption and Depression - from Bella Online

A month ago today I met my daughter...

Here are a few things I love about her so far, in no particular order:

- she purses her lips in her sleep and making sucking noises.

- she's learning how to kiss me on the lips, but doesn't understand fully and goes for the open mouthed, stick your tongue straight in my mouth, type of kiss.

- she's relaxing into me at times with a big sigh, which feels great.

- I can fit her entire tummy into the span of one hand. It's a round, warm, soft, globe of yumminess.

- her smile, with gapped top teeth coming in, like David Letterman.

- how she gives my thighs raspberries and doesn't care that they are pale, white, freckled and flabby thighs. All the better to get that really good raspberry sound from!

- she'll try any food (she's adventurous!), and she has a delayed reaction by about 5 to 10 seconds while she's processing the taste. Some are hilarious, like lemon yesterday. All are worth the wait.

- her deep belly laugh when I give her tummy raspberries, or when Boo licks her entire face clean after dinner, or when I chase her down the hall. She's sounds more like a 200 lb man than a baby then.

- how she reaches for me when she gets a boo-boo.

- she's getting better at playing by herself for a few minutes, she's making progress, growing, and learning.

I love you, Charlie! I'm so glad I met you and you and I are together! Happy 1 month family anniversary baby girl!

Kid-centered vs. Parent-centered?

When we traveled to Addis, we met another adoptive couple who were wonderful people. I really enjoyed their company, they were great dinner companions, van companions, etc. Their names were Hope and John and they have 6 kids (including a little 4 year old boy they were adopting with an amputated leg and a club foot.) They also had a special needs child at home they had adopted from Vietnam and basically saved his eyesight in doing so. I had a lot of respect for them as people. They were fun, and really wonderful with the kids. You could tell they loved their son immensely from the second they laid eyes on him.

We had a discussion over breakfast one morning about parenting styles. John mentioned he had noticed 2 main styles: child-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting. He said he didn't claim one was better than the other, each was different and fit with different families.

He went on to explain that in child-centered parenting, the focus is entirely on the child. All household activities revolve around the child's needs and wants. For example, a soccer game would trump a romantic date every time. Babysitters are uncommon.

Conversely, in parent-centered parenting, the parents set the tone of the house hold and their lives continue, with full involvement in the children's lives of course, but without giving up their identifies completely. There are date nights. The marital relationship is nurtured. Babysitters are commonly known to the kids, and rules and limits are firmly set. With 6 children, I can see why this was the only option for them. I also think it's healthy for the kids to have a healthy marital relationship role model to watch while growing up.

As a single parent, I'm not really sure which camp I'll fit in to... I'm hoping parent centered, because my belief is it teaches the child they are not the center of the universe (to the rest of the world, at least) which is more reality based. I think she'll have less of a shock growing up than if she grew up believe the world revolved around her and then finding out life is not like that.

Which camp do you fit in?

Which camp do you think is better for the child?

And the world breathed a sigh of relief...

Ok, so maybe THE WORLD didn't breathe a sigh of relief, but I sure did!

We are finally home. Time to pick up the dogs at the kennel and see what happens......

The dogs were so INSANE with happiness to see me that they were completely uncontrollable at the kennel, jumping on everyone and the kennel tech couldn't really keep them controlled with a leash. I had a momentary twinge of fear at how they would react to meeting Charlie after watching their exhuberance. They were jumping 15 feet in the air! Ok, maybe 3 feet, but it seemed like it was really too much energy.

They also STANK to high heaven of urine, so the first step was to bathe all three of them. Then, once they were clean and relatively calm, one by one we introduced them to Charlie. I held her on my lap, as per Dogs and Storks class, and allowed them to sniff her ankle to start. Mostly they could not have cared less... they were more interested in saying hello to me again. Eventually I allowed them to sniff her arms and hands and seeing that they were calm and non-threatened, her face for a second. Charlie was pretty intrigued by the three dogs though, and followed them around with her eyes and tried to reach out and pet them. I'm already started with the "gentle touch" and preventing her little fingers from curling into a grasp and pulling (like she does with my hair!).

We bought some gates today and I already have crates. Basically I think it's going to be an exercise in chaotic crowd control until Charlie grows older or one or two of the dogs passes away. I plan on having a "dog zone" and a "baby zone" so the dogs can relax and not have to worry about being poked, and the baby can wreak havoc in her own area without eating too much fur.

 Here's hoping for a peaceful co-existence.

P.S. Please excuse my disgusting-ness. I had just finished bathing 3 large dogs and had some spit up on me as well.

Need some serious help, Moms. Attachment parenting confusion and dilemna.

I need some advice from the adoptive parenting community:

Charlie cries whenever I set her down for a second. This is not good for our lifestyle, although I can manage it for awhile longer, but not forever.

Let me describe the behavior a bit more. For example, I will have just changed her and fed her, so I know she is physically comfortable. I get up from where I was sitting (10 inches from her highchair while feeding her) to get a paper towel, and she starts wailing.

Or, we are lying in bed and I have to get up to switch off the light which is 5 steps away. She starts wailing.

Etc. This behavior seems to be getting worse over time, not better. There are a few improvements, like she will let my mother and father hold her while I'm in the room (but swivels her head to see where I am all the time) for a little while, but soon reaches out her arms for me to take her. If I leave the room, she wails.

This behavior at first seemed to be completely attachment related. Recently I'm starting to notice that it seems she has learned that crying will get her what she wants. For example, I tell her "no" very gently and remove her hand from the table cloth which she was pulling off the table... she starts crying. I had been then trying to distract her with a toy or something else, but I really want her to learn to accept "no" in her life. It's an important lesson. I certainly don't want a child who cannot tolerate being told "no" or having limits set.

Here's where the confusion sets in. Since she is adopted, and has had three large losses in her life (birth mother after 15 days, nanny after 9 months, and the Ethiopian culture she lived in for 9 months), should I give in to her?? Should I pick her up, distract her, each and every time she starts crying when I stand up for a second? So far I have been and the behavior seems to be getting worse.

My parents are of the mindset that I'm going to "spoil" her (I hate that expression! She's not a piece of fruit!) by picking her up whenever she cries. This morning, she cried non-stop when I went to take a shower and my parents decided to see what would happen if they ignored her (while sitting very close to keep an eye on her). They thought she would stop crying. Well, she didn't. She cried the whole time I was gone, and by the time I got back, it was a full on shriek-fest. She was drenched in sweat. I picked her up and she stopped immediately. I felt really guilty. My poor baby!

My dad mentioned that "she won" by getting me to pick her up. He fully recognizes and thinks the bonding and cuddling are necessary, esp. for newly adopted babies, but thinks it is better done when the babies are being sweet and happy, rather than in response to tantrums (if that's what they are).

I don't see this as a game or contest to be won or lost, but I do understand that I basically reinforced in her mind that 20 minutes of crying gets her what she wants.

Everything I've read about adoption though, says to pick them up whenever they want you, at least for the first month or two, and then once they are firmly attached you can start setting boundaries. My parents think that will be too late, or much more difficult to change behaviors then, and I tend to agree with that notion (that a habit is harder to break once it's been firmly reinforced). So I'm very confused. Also, I have tried to let her cry but after about 5 minutes I start thinking I'm a terrible person, she's so little and vulnerable, she's already been abandoned twice, etc, etc, etc... and I go pick her up to stop those thoughts and reassure her (and myself) that I'm there for her and will never leave her.

One last bit of information to help you give advice: She seems attached to me ever since the first day. I've been with her 9 days today. The attachment seems more "desperate" to me than a secure attachment (like any of my nieces or nephews had. They could all tolerate their mothers leaving the area for a minute, knowing she would be back.)

Ok, parents, here's the question.... How would you handle this behavior? I getting worried that I'm doing the wrong thing, causing the behavior to get worse instead of better, and damaging her somehow.

Why Ethiopia (part 2)

Ethiopia's orphans face life of hardship

by Jonathan Clayton

The Ethiopian peasant farmer and his wife shuffled painfully into the orphanage. They were in the last stages of Aids and had only weeks to live. However, they were happy. They had heard the Franciscan nuns had found a home for their three children and had come to say farewell.

“I am so happy, they are going to stay together,” the father, Solomon, whispered as he embraced a middle-aged Mormon couple from Salt Lake City, Utah. “Now, I can die peacefully. They will go to school in America and have a future. It is good they leave here.” As they embraced their two daughters, aged 8 and 6, for the last time the tears ran freely. Their four-year-old son did not appreciate the significance of the moment and ran off to play with friends.

Sister Luthgarder, a seasoned veteran of such heart-rending adoptions, explained: “It is sad, but it is so rare they are kept together and so I am happy.” Only a week previously a brother and sister were separated: one going to Norway, the other to Canada. “The new parents said they would take them to see each other every year, but inevitably they will grow apart,” she said.
Only a fraction of Ethiopia’s burgeoning population of orphaned children, now put at five million, find their way to Kidane Meheret Children’s Home. Even fewer leave and they are certainly the lucky ones.

A few miles away, dozens of children sleep in drains at night and beg by day at the sprawling central bus station. They face constant dangers.

“Some are forced into prostitution, some are sold by relatives after their parents die, they are kept as maids and often abused,” said Dagmawi Alemayeau who runs an organisation, Forum on Street Children, which tries to fight trafficking. Most of an estimated 50,000 children on the streets of the capital, Addis Ababa, at some stage pass through the bus station where he has his office.

“Traffickers go to the rural areas ... there are places where you can even buy a baby for as little as $1,” he told The Times. He always keeps an eye open at the international airport where so-called “uncles” can often be spotted boarded planes to Gulf states with teenage girls.
Across the rest of Africa, a combination of soaring populations, growing poverty and the HIV-Aids epidemic has led to a huge increase in orphans.

A UNICEF report estimates that in sub-Saharan Africa alone there will be more than 20 million by 2010.

Cash-strapped governments on the world’s poorest continent are overwhelmed. They can afford only a handful of government run agencies. Despite an increase in foreign adoptions, some well-publicised like those of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, who has adopted from Ethiopia and Cambodia, only a tiny fraction of these children find new homes overseas.

Organisations like UNICEF and the UK’s Save the Children Fund are opposed to foreign adoptions, advocating instead that the children be placed in extended families or locally adopted so they grow up within his or her own cultural identity. They encourage would be parents to send money instead to help look after the children in the country of origin. But they are often accused of a head in the sand approach to the abuse the child may face and ignore the fact that by so doing they often condemn the child to a life of grinding poverty and no education.

“Adoption is sad, very sad but the whole issue is sad, a life of neglect, and abandonment, grinding poverty and abuse is sad, adoption is often the lesser evil especially as the people who come here are good and very carefully checked,” added Sister Luthgarder who finds at least one new born baby a week on her doorstep.

This point was made by Malawi’s president Bingu wa Mutharika with disarming frankness earlier this week. “I wish someone had come and taken 10,000 Malawian children because then I would know that 10,000 Malawians would have better education and opportunities,” he told The Times.

(picture from "There Is No Me Without You" of Mekdes the orphan girl)

Being ready.

I remember posting, back around referral time, that I was confused by PAPs that had this IMMENSE LOVE for a picture. I thought for sure they were in love with a fantasy, an idea, and not really the baby in the picture.

Because, really.

Its a piece of 2-dimensional glossy paper. How can anyone love paper?

But I have to admit, going through court, getting many more pictures, seeing the video my mother shot, watching it over and over, it's more than a piece of glossy paper. Real emotions have developed.

I guess this is why bio-moms go through 9 months, and they make us PAPs go through a waiting period too. It's the process. The readying process.

Today I went to buy all the items needed for Charlie's trip home.

Total bill? $250.00. The amount only matters in that it shows how many items are needed! At Wal-mart prices each items costs about $2.00, so you can see how full my cart was. I printed out Chatty Cathy's packing list and got everything on there except the nipple brush. I'm using my pinkie and that's final! Anyway, nipples, bottles, liners, bibs, wipes, diapers, hats, toys, teething rings, orajel, pacifiers, spoons, bowls, socks, jackets, lotion, soap, cream, etc, etc, etc, later.... something sinks in deeply.

The care of this child falls 100% on me.

Everything she needs in this world... must come from me. I must supply it, arrange for it, buy it, provide it, make it happen.

And I feel prepared for that.

I have a few questions, such as situational wisdom items, but there are other moms around for that. I'm already finding that other moms seem very happy to help. I have joined some sort of club that I wasn't a member of 4 days ago.

I asked one mom in Wal-mart (Iknow, I know, I'm terrible for shopping there) about cereal and bottles and she informed me that nipples actually come in "cereal" size. She "got chills" when she learned about Charlie. Another two moms were happy to show me clips that would work in Charlie's baby hair and clips that would work in her hair when she was older. The cashier saw everything I was buying and started asking questions and of course I got out Charlie's pictures and she got tears in her eyes. "Her color don't matter one bit. If you got love in your heart, thats all that matters. I love all babies, no matter what color they are!" Ok thanks cashier lady. I know you tried. You meant well. (It is Wal-mart and it is the South.) It seems the world is happy Charlie is coming home.

I'm happy Charlie is coming home.

I'm ready.

But is Charlie?

Of course she isn't.

While I've been going through the mental and emotional process of bonding my heart to her over the past 5 months, she has been doing baby things 7000 miles away without a clue of my existence, or what is about to happen. This will be a huge change for her, with no prep time. I'm hoping I can make the trip fun for her, and that it will not be traumatic. I sense from the video she is a strong soul, but that doesn't mean she won't be fearful. After all, I'm taking her from the only 4 walls she's known, onto a plane for 20 hours, across the ocean, to a place she's never been, with people she doesn't know and who look different than all the people she's used to. I really hope some toys will ease the shock.

Ideas for the trip, moms?

Orphan - the movie

"The tragic loss of their unborn child has devastated Kate and John, taking a toll on both their marriage and Kate's fragile psyche as she is plagued by nightmares and haunted by demons from her past. Struggling to regain some semblance of normalcy in their lives, the couple decides to adopt another child. At the local orphanage, both John and Kate find themselves strangely drawn to a young girl named Esther. Almost as soon as they welcome Esther into their home, however, an alarming series of events begins to unfold, leading Kate to believe that there's something wrong with Esther -- this seemingly angelic little girl is not what she appears to be. Concerned for the safety of her family, Kate tries to get John and others to see past Esther's sweet facade. But her warnings go unheeded until it may be too late... for everyone."

Okkkkkkk.....

Hmm.

Anyone else think this might give adoption a bad name? Play on fears?

There is actually a line in the trailer that says “it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own”.

From an email I received: "Without having seen the movie or read the script, it is hard to know if the entire movie is sending a ghastly adoption message, but the trailer certainly leads us to believe it is. This feeds the notion that older adoptees are very troubled and you should beware.... that's not an image any of us want the general public to have of our kids. It plays into people's deepest fears.There is a growing group pursuing a boycott of the film, sending out emails and posting on online bulletin boards. I urge you to forward this email to others personally involved in adoption, help disseminate the boycott message and write to the producers and distributors expressing your displeasure with the message being sent."

To complain: To complain by letter, here is contact info:
ADDRESS:
Time Warner Inc.
One Time Warner Center
New York, NY10019-8016
212.484.8000



To contact the Board Members:
c/o Office of the Corporate Secretary
Time Warner Inc.
One Time Warner Center
New York, NY 10019



The only email I could find was for INVESTOR RELATIONS - but hey, it's better than nothing. If people want to complain via email instead of by letter, it couldn't hurt to send thousands of emails to investor relations:
ir@timewarner.com

Adopting siblings

Here is an article my dad sent me this morning on adopting siblings. I don't think I could handle two kids, being a single mom, or at least not right out of the gate. Maybe later on, once my (soon to be) daughter has grown up a bit and I'm more used to the "mom" role.

Of course, there's nothing like a brood to make one hit the ground running, I suppose!

As the article points out, the benefits are many for the children. They have a built in support system that way. There are thousands of sibling groups waiting to be adopted, getting older and spending too much of their lives in orphanages. I think if I had a husband, I would definitely have wanted to adopt a group. I just am scared it would be too much, being single and working full time... how would I be able to spend enough quality time with each child? How would I afford day care for two? One is expensive enough! Do you all know daycare around here is $900.00 per month?!?!?!

So, for me, pre-requisites to adopting a sibling group would be either 1) a husband to help or 2) unlimited funding so I could quit my job.

Unfortunately, neither of those prospects seem to be on the horizon. One can always hope though, and continue to buy lotto tickets and computer dating. SIGH.

Would you ever consider adopting siblings?

Instant attachment.....

I found this interesting article at the Rainbow Kids website, and it reminded me of my query weeks ago about whether one could truly attach to a picture, if that was reasonable and REAL, and whether I was deficient in some way for not attaching to a piece of paper. I still wonder whether PAPs who attach immediately to a photo are perhaps setting themselves up for disappointment or problems later on by attaching to a fantasy or an idea of what the child will be like, since a photo really can't tell you much about personality as it's just one moment in time. My feelings since that post have changed, as this adoption progresses forward, and I do feel more love for this child than at the point of writing that post. However, I still don't think I'll feel much like a mother until I have her with me, and even then it might take a few days ;-) . Certainly I'm more attached to the idea of a child than to a picture. Anyway, back to the article:

"Insta-Attachment and Other Adoption Myths


Why the dreams we hold on to while waiting for our child can sometimes prevent us from seeing our child's reality clearly.

I let out a long, deep sigh as I re-read the words in my inbox again and again. It’s not that it was the first time I had heard those very same words. It’s not that I judged the family who spoke them, knowing I would have written the same a few short years ago. But the pang I felt in the back of my heart and the lump in my throat was for the little girl they were describing. Despite the words of bliss, despite their descriptions of a perfect adjustment, my heart sank as I could envision her face before me. I knew what her eyes would look like if only I could see them. I knew what expression she would have on her face. I knew because I have seen it before. And now I know what it means.

I had received the glowing report in my inbox from a friend of a relative who had just come home with their beautiful new daughter only 7 weeks prior. “She is bonding with everyone! Family, friends, neighbors, people at church! She is just adjusting so quickly and bonding to everyone she meets!” This particular report was really quite similar to many I hear early on. She was doing “so well”, “adjusting great”, and was “better than they could have ever expected”. It is the report our families, friends, co-workers, and even agencies hope and expect to hear from us. Everyone is waiting for the “he/she is all we ever dreamed of” and “it is as if he/she has always been with us”. These are the words everyone waiting to bring a child home reads on the blogs of families who have gone before and prays they will be able to write.

Insta-Attachment. Psychologists and anthropologists have noted for decades that our society is especially vulnerable to the temptations of insta-everything. We are used to it, after all. Everything is fast, easy, convenient. We hate waiting in lines, despise slow drivers, and adore our internet as long as it comes in high speed. We think we are immune to that constant drive for speed and convenience in the adoption world because we wait so long through endless paperwork to bring our children home. We herald the “lesson we have learned in patience” as we agonize through the trials of the paper pregnancy. But that is where so many draw the line. Once our child is home, that is the end of the waiting, right? They are going to be placed in our arms and our waiting is over! Hurray!! The end of our trials and tribulations and now our joy can begin!

The problem is that for your child, they are not in the joyous epilogue of a long novel finally reaching the glorious conclusion as you think you are. They are still in the introduction of a brand new book, one that includes chapters they have never heard of called “Living with a Family”, “Welcome to a Mom and Dad that Look Nothing Like You!”, “A Few Strangers in Your Life Would Now Like to Kiss and Hold You Endlessly” and “So This is America??”. In the midst of all of this is the greatest myth of all. Insta-attachment.

Children do not bond in a week. People do not learn to trust in a day, a week, or even a month. A child who is living in a strange land with strange looking people who speak an even stranger language cannot possibly learn in a short period of time what it means to be loved by a family, what a mom and a dad even are there for, what it means to be a sister or brother, and that all of these strange people can be trusted to never leave them again, never harm them, and navigate them through the twists and turns of life. We want so much to believe in Insta-Attachment because, truthfully, it makes us feel better. The wait has already been so long for us, we sacrificed so much to get here, and the last thing we want to face is the possibility that our work is not done once we reach what we thought was the end of the road, the fulfillment of the goal. Sometimes we are willing to accept a few hours of grief, a few days of the child’s emotional walls, a few weeks of sleepless nights. But we certainly don’t want to face the chance that perhaps those few tears, a night terror or two, and the struggles with sibling relationships might last longer than a week or two. Or, even harder to face, is the possibility that even though our child seems to be doing well, their actions may be masking the true grief and trauma that so many adopted children hide deep in their hearts.

And this is where the temptation to ignore the unspoken signs of trauma and grief in our children steps in. We want so much to believe they are adjusting quickly that we interpret signs that actually are warning signs something is not right as signs that our child is doing really well. When our daughter reaches her hands out and lets anyone hold her, we beam with pride that she is so social. When our son falls apart on the floor because we asked him to do a simple task, we say he must be really opinionated. When our kids run around at an event, wandering in and out of strangers without concern for the location of a parent, we say they must really like parties. When our child plays alone on the floor for long periods of time without a need to be entertained, we are grateful we got one of the “easy kids”.

Attachment is not instant. Bonding takes time…a long time. And even if your child is pleasant and calm with you from day one, plays with you and hugs you, lets you hold her and seems to get along with everyone, it is simply a matter of common sense that what the child is experiencing in those early months is not and cannot possibly be attachment to you. Even if the child has the opposite reaction and cries every time you leave the room, it is still not defined as true attachment. When we were in China picking up our second daughter, she cried the first time I tried to hold her but by the next day she screamed if I was not in her sight. This was not because she somehow miraculously attached to me overnight (though that would have been nice to believe!). She simply had figured out a major change was about to happen in her life and that I somehow was the next person in line to provide her some tiny amount of security so she was going to latch on and not let go! This does not mean she suddenly loved me, trusted me, or even liked me for that matter. It was a matter of survival. Her instincts kicked in and she knew that her safety and future depended on clinging to me.

We are now weeks away from bringing home our 5th child, our 3rd adopted child. We have had the privilege of visiting him twice. Though by week’s end on both visits he was clinging to me and watching my every move, I am not fooled. My heart would love to believe this baby has decided I am his mother, thrown himself in my arms and shunned all others to choose me. But I have seen his eyes. I know what his eyes say that his actions sometimes belie. He does not trust me yet. He does not love me yet. How could he possibly? Though my heart wants to believe I can spend the months and years to bring a child home that will run into my arms and realize I am their family forever now, I am now a little more cognizant of the impossibility of that expectation on a child.

So how do you create attachment in a child if it is not instant? You build it, one brick at a time. Sometimes you even have to break down the faulty foundation that was created before you ever received your child, and then build a new foundation one brick at a time. If your child seems content, seems “okay”, seems social, seems to “fit right in”, look past the surface behaviors and do not let the survival instincts of children fool you into thinking their past has not affected them and that they are rubber balls who can be bounced around yet simply bounce right back. Do not just move on with your life as if your work is done. Stay with your child. Give some things up. Spend time playing, holding and talking to your child. Do not let your child push you away, manipulate you with shallow behaviors or place any other friend, relative or caregiver above you. You have the right as the parent to ask questions, challenge your child emotionally, and insist on being the first love of their life.

You are not a failure as a parent to admit your child home for even a year still does not show preference for you. Your child is not “less than” other adopted children because he does not appear as adjusted as other adopted children whose parents glowed, “This was a perfect adoption!” Do not believe in Insta-Attachment. It is a fairytale that ultimately prevents you from really seeking out the deepest part of your child’s heart and searching for true healing instead of proper behaviors. It is worth the search. It may take much longer than you had hoped for, your emails to family and friends may be lacking in the instant gratification. But the long, slow simmer of true attachment in the end is stronger, more deeply satisfying, and more healing. Do not look for the easy path. Look for the road less traveled. Be willing to take another journey of patience even after the paperwork is done and your child is home. Do not close the book. Begin a new one. It is worth the effort. It is worth the wait. Your child is waiting for someone who is willing to take the time and energy to write it for them. Insta-Attachment is one fairytale your child can do without.

Dawn Greer Choate and her husband are the parents of 5 children, including 2 daughters born in China and one son born in Guatemala. In 2005, the Choates launched Healing Hannah, a resource to educate parents on issues related to attachment and emotional healing in the adopted child. Dawn is an ordained minister, author, speaker, and a co-owner with her husband of a computer/software business. For more information, please visit www.healinghannah.com and www.fishersofwomen.com"

What should I tell my child about why s/he was adopted?

First of all, good news to share: my dossier is in Washington, D.C! Which means it was approved by my state and is almost on it's way to Ethiopia. Hurry D.C!

Secondly, in preparing for this adoption, I have done HUGE amounts of reading about the process and effects on the child. Through this reading, I've come to believe that telling the child (in an age appropriate way) at a young age is the "right" thing to do. In reading my agency's binder this morning, some of the phraseology I was planning on using ("You are special because you were chosen", "Your birth mother didn't have enough food because there was a famine and everyone was really poor, but she loved you so much she gave you to someone who could take care of you and feed you." etc) I'm going to have to re-think.

Here is some of what I read, with apologies to not being able to give credit as none is cited except for within the text itself:

* It is important for you to sort out your feelings about the birth parents...the child will pick up on your feelings. If the birth parents are perceived as bad (or "less than"), the child will conclude that maybe she is bad too.

* "Your Birth Mother loved you but..." Experts disagree on whether to tell the child this. Dr. Denis Donovan argues it sends a confusing message to young minds that love comes to be equated with abandonment early in the child's life. Another problem with this explanation is that you love the child too. Will you also put him up for adoption?

* "Your birth parents were poor..." It is best not to emphasize the socioeconomic status of the birth parents because that may cause all sorts of negative feelings in the child. Why didn't someone help them? The child is likely to feel sorry for the birth parents, and feel survivor guilt hearing about other children left behind in orphanages. Another problem with the "birth parents were poor" explanation is what if you lose your job or even unthinkingly complain about finances? Your child might conclude he may be placed for adoption again.

* Telling your child she is "special" or "chosen" can also be problematic. (I really didn't know this one!) In most cases the child was not really chosen. Being "special" could be burdensome for the child, who may worry about living up to this label.

* Don't talk about adoption too often, it may annoy your child. Pay attention to her body language, you will be able to tell if she wants to talk. "If a happy medium can be achieved, with the child knowing about the adoption, understanding that it is an important part of her life, and knowing she can ask questions about it, but not believing it to be a primary family topic that underlies everything, that is best."

* Don't talk about adoption during times of family crisis (financial, health, relationship). For example, bringing up adoption right after a bad report card might make her believe you think she is not as bright as her adoptive family. Otherwise, why would you bring it up at this time?

* So what TO say then? We've heard about what NOT to say. Here are some things that are suggested:

- Explain that the birth parents were not able to parent. Keep it simple. For whatever reason (poverty, abuse, neglect, young age, cultural shame over single mothers, etc) the simple fact is they were not able to parent their child. At an older age, you can give more details if she asks for them and if you think she is ready to handle them.

- Explain that it was not your child's fault they were given up for adoption. It had nothing to do with how they looked, acted, or any other circumstances. Children often have magical thinking and believe they are the cause of deaths, divorces, and abandonment.

- If others heap accolades on you for adopting (for "saving a life"), especially in front of the child, make sure you explain that everyone in the family has gained from the adoption.

- Explain to the child that your family was "formed by adoption" which conveys the specialness idea. If you are religious, you may want to say that God sent the child to you, and that God sends some children biologically and some through adoption.

- Do not assume the child will bring up the subject of adoption. Some kids will act as though everything is wonderful, but have deep seated fears they are not talking about. Bring up the general topic and ask your child what she thinks. Birthdays are a day when thoughts of birth parents frequently come up. Find natural moments for discussion, like after an adoption special on T.V. It's always easier to start conversation with an pen-ended question than a yes/no question. So "Are you thinking about your birth mother?" might result in a short answer, while "I'm proud of you and I bet your birth mom is too. What are your thoughts on that?" might lead to a fuller conversation.


So I learned a LOT from this article and wanted to share it with my readers. Some of the things I learned go directly against things I've read elsewhere (like the "you're special because you were chosen" idea). And some things SEEM like common sense, but it's good to be reminded (like the report card paragraph) because there might not be a link in a non-adopted person's head where there would be one in the adopted child's head.

Parenting Classes

"Why are you always in parenting class?" some people have asked (who follow my facebook status updates). "Is that an agency requirement?"

No, it's actually not an agency requirement.

I'm in parenting class because I started them a couple of months ago as a pre-requisite to become a foster parent, and now I feel I should finish what I started.

Over Thanksgiving, I first told my family I was considering becoming a foster parent. This news was met with great enthusiasm and, I think, some relief ("Finally! She's normal!") It was also suggested that I may want to explore other parenting options, such as adoption and freezing eggs. I thought those were brilliant ideas.

I decided to open all three parenting doors and see what happened. I knew that which ever child walked through the first door would most likely slow down the other options or stop them completely. However, I also knew that all three of these options can take years and so to get started and not wait to do things in any particular order.

When I get motivated to do something, I can be a woman possessed. And so I got my adoption paperwork done in 4 days, got the home study done in that first week, started parenting classes, got a IVF doctor's next available appointment, etc. "Project Parenting" was ON!

Little did I know that none of the three options would take very long at all. My referral came in just over a month. Parenting classes, started in December, are now almost over. The IVF doctor said he sees no reason I couldn't conceive and to come back when I'm ready.

Theoretically, I could have a house full of kids in a matter of months. Zero to 60 in seconds flat.

Realistically, two doors have been shut.

I can't foster with an infant in the house. I chose an agency that works with "hard to place" children, and they prefer a one child per house ratio in most cases. It would be unfair to all concerned to foster one special needs child, while learning to parent an infant. And the biological option is completely out the window... unless I was to get a nanny. Which I'm not sure is a good idea. Why have more kids than you can raise yourself? Being single, I have to think about these things. There is no one else to pick them up from day care, drop them off, take them to the doctor, stay home when they are sick, etc. Just me. I think it will be challenging enough with one.

We'll see. Maybe when she is a toddler these other options can be revisited.

In the meantime, I continue to attend these parenting classes three times a week AFTER a full day of work, from 6 PM to 9PM. On a typical day, I leave my house early and arrive at work by 8 AM. I work all day at a usually frenetic pace. I leave work at 5:30 PM and instead of heading home to my poor isolated dogs and American Idol, I drive the opposite direction and arrive at class by 6PM. I try to keep my eyes open until 9PM, but many nights that is difficult.

The awful thing is, I don't think I'm learning much. They take 3 hours to teach a concept that could be learned in 20 minutes... and they strrretch it out for 3 hours. There have been a few good moments, like a great video of an adult foster child recounting his experience with the agency, but mostly it is common sense stuff. I also don't think you can learn parenting from a book. Concepts, yes. How to react to a child throwing a tantrum in Kmart.... I think you just learn by being in the situation. Parents, what do you think? can you learn this stuff from a book?

I keep thinking this is the last week of classes, but then they spring a make up class, a CPR class, etc. So now I think NEXT week will be the last week of classes. It will feel like being on vacation to only have my 40 hour week and 4 hours of student supervision to conduct!

ETA: Regarding the post below this one, I received several comments and emails informing me there has been a year long repreive, and although second hand stores will still be affected after that year, they have time now to get their act together. The people most likely to be seriously affected by the law, and at risk to be put out of business, are the thousands of small time crafters in this country that rely on their handiwork to bring in income. The "committe" who came up with this new law is made up of TWO people. Seems an awful lot of power to give just two people. (I know it has to be passed by our representatives, but honestly, how closely do you think you they read the fine print?) I'm sure they are receiving no end of flak for this, and they voted (2-0) to put it on the shelf for a year. I wonder if either will retire in the next 12 months.....

Did you know adoptive mothers can breast feed?!?!?!

Wow! I had no idea!

There's a whole community of women breastfeeding their adopted children.

OK, so who has breast fed an adoptive child?

What was it like?

I'm sure it's good for the baby's immune system, especially coming to a country where all the germs and viruses are different from their birth country.

I think I might like to have the experience, it seems like a great way to bond.... especially if I never have a biological child, I would hate to miss out on the experience entirely.

I wonder though, if a child has been bottle fed for the first 6 to 8 months of their life, would they even be interested in breast feeding? Wouldn't it be too late to learn that?

OK readers:

Do you think it's "weird"?

Do you think it's "natural"?

I suppose in a way, it is natural... Thoughout the ages, there has been a need for surrogate breast feeding. Sometimes even wolves took the job.

Here's another website devoted to the topic. They have a wealth of information, including milk calculators, using supplementation, herbs to stimulate milk production, and tons more.

And here is a blog on a personal adoptive nursing journal, following mom and child as they "develop their nursing relationship."

As long as we're talking adoption.... what about a dog?

Ok, THIS is ridiculous! (click on pink word to see video)

Florida couple pays $150,000 for first commercially cloned dog

BOCA RATON, Fla. - Six years ago, a Boca Raton family froze their dog Lancelot's DNA. On Monday they picked up their new pooch that just happens to have all their former dog's genes.
"The only sad thing about dogs is that they have such a short life, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could live your life with the same dog," said Nina Otto, Lancy's owner.
Turns out you can, in a way.... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28876782/

With millions of dogs being put to death every year, I think it's EGREGIOUS to pay this kind of money, which I can think of hundreds of better uses for, to clone your dog. Yes, I understand the bond people have with their dogs. And I even understand wanting them to live with you forever. It does seem unfair that they live such short lives comparatively... but I take their lack of life span to mean I'm obviously meant to spend my life with SEVERAL dogs. Cloning your dog is so GROSS! I can't even think of a word that describes how I feel about it. It's ADDING to the overpopulation problem (just like puppy mills and back yard breeders, who also make me SICK!) and it's SELFISH and it's NOT THE SAME DOG so that also makes it STUPID.

Here's what I would have done with that $150,000.00:

1) Bought a farm and opened an animal sanctuary
2) Paid for the medical care and spay/neuter of THOUSANDS of rescued pets
3) Why keep it just for animals? That money could keep entire families together either here in the U.S., or in Ethiopia. It could feed them and keep children with birth families. But NOooooo... these people want a look alike dog instead!
4) Buy 10,000 cans of formula for orphanages who are running out in ET
5) I could have put that $$ away for my daughter's college fund, or if I didn't have a daughter I could have started a scholarship fund for a needy kid
6) Could have paid for HIV/AIDS retrovirus medication for AHOPE or other orphanage that accepts HIV positive children
7) Could have bought clothes, school books, toys, etc, etc for those orphans
8) More selfish, but still better than cloning a dog in my opinion: could have used that $ to go on 75 vacations (that's all the vacations a person needs in their lifetime and more!)

So... you get my drift. People like this should have to pass a test before they are given that much money to waste.

What would YOU do if you had that kind of EXTRA cash lying around?

ETA: Doing a quick search on Petfinder.com shows over 125 adoptable Yellow labradors available in the Boca Raton area.

GRRRRRrrrrrr.......

THIS is priceless

You have to check out the reaction of thses kids when they find out their parents are adopting.... it's too funny. And sweet.

OUR KIDS FIND OUT ABOUT OUR ETHIOPIAN ADOPTION


Turn down the sound a smidge :-)

Another cool book!

1-20-2009


Ethiopian Adoption Book

This 20 page book with full color professional photographs was written and photographed by adoptive mother Heidi Mehltretter. It walks a child through important and beautiful cultural settings in Ethiopia, giving them a sense of pride in the country of their birth. The book shows how Teff is grown and made into Injera, it talks about the rich religious history and ultimately describes how a child might become orphaned leading to their adoption. Ms. Mehltretter leaves the end of the book open so a family can insert a photo of their own child which allows for personalization. There are a handful of children's books about international adoption, but there are no books which highlight the unique adoption and cultural History of Ethiopia the way this one does. 100% of the profits from the sale of this book will go to support Hanna Fanta, the founder of Children's Heaven, a sponsorship program to help teenaged girls affected and orphaned by HIV and AIDS. Click the title to be taken to the ordering website.