Tinkle Tinkle

Another update so soon?

Well, I don't time the cuteness. It happens when it happens.

This is how cute she is all the time, I just rarely get to catch it on video. But the time I pull the camera out, the moment has passed. This time I caught a lot of it. A benefit from having a video camera in one's phone.

Enjoy!

First Update!

Mother's Day 2010

Hello World!
I guess it hasn't been THAT long, but Charlie has learned many, many new things so I thought I better update before I get behind. The BIGGEST news is that on Mother's Day, Charlie walked up to me, said "Potty, mama" and led me by the hand to the bathroom where she proceeded to POO AND PEE IN THE POTTY!!!! And she has done so almost everyday since then. She is pulling her undies up and down 20 times in a row during the potty experience and I swear this kid is ready for Pull-Ups at age 19 months! Genius, I swear.

Then tonight, after she pottied, I went to empty the potty and clean it. When I got back, she had pulled the door stop up to the sink to use as a step stool and was putting baby toothpaste on her baby toothbrush and trying to reach the water tap. Which she couldn't reach. Am I naive to be stunned???


Another example of her genius: Last night, while watching some cartoon, Charlie broke into song and dance. She knew the words to "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" even though I've never taught her those lyrics. (Don't even know them all myself... err....) Ok, so she learned them in daycare. Still, it's impressive isn't it? That she would recognize the song and remember the words?

So of course I had to get it on tape.

And of course, the BEST characteristic Charlie owns is that of an industrious child laborer. Ok, that's not really funny. But this picture is.


Happy Memorial Day everybody.

The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

My aunt sent me the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" and I'm a few chapters in. The book has created a firestorm of controvery and Ms. Gottlieb has been on several talk shows defending her position. The truth may set you free, but to be honest, it's depressing me. Here's why: It's actually a realistic look at finding a partner after 35 years old... She' not saying to "settle" as we know it, but to accept certain flaws because we too are flawed. To lessen our list of "must haves" and look for a "good husband" rather than "Prince Charming". That all sounds sane and I can agree with all of that.

Here's why it's depressing. The whole first part(and maybe the rest, I haven't gotten to it yet) she writes about the difficulty, near impossibility, of finding a "good enough" husband. Take this excerpt:

"Having a child in the house changes the specifics - you're never alone and in fact, you desperately crave some solitude - but the longing for an adult partner remains. When I decided to have a child, it had nothing to do with staving off loneliness. It had to do with hoping to find The One without the time pressure of a biological clock. If I was aware enough to know that a child would be no cure-all for a lack of male companionship, I truly believed, in an astoundingly naive way, that I could simply do things backward: child first, soul mate later. But as hard as it was to meet The One before I became a parent, I hadn't anticipated that once you have a baby alone, not only do you age about tn years in the first ten months, but if you don't have time to shower, eat, urinate in a timely manner, or even leave the house except for work, where you spend every waking moment that your child is at day care, there's very little chance that a man - much less The One - is going to knock on your door and join that party."

Sheesh! True!

I've join Eharmony and over the past two weekends sent the first communication out to over 40 men, and gotten 2 responses. That's fine. I only need one husband. But the numbers have definitely changed from when I was 20 and there were 200 unsolicited overtures in my mailbox. I think I have also been naive to think a man would want to join my party... My family thinks it's possible, because they know me and think I'm wonderful. (Thanks family!) But a man would have to be partially insane to willingly jump in my boat, I think. I saw this over the weekend when I brought Charlie and 2 dogs out to eat with a friend and her autistic son. It was a circus. The dogs escaped, the autistic son shrieked, Charlie flung tacos on the floor for the dogs to eat, I got wrapped up in leashes.... Several men walked by and chuckled, but didn't stop to chat, even though my friend made several opening remarks that could have been taken as invitations.

Ladies, we're screwed.

I'm not giving up. After all, I've already paid for 3 months and I'm nothing if not frugal. I would never waste that amount of money. But my sunny optimism has seriously clouded over. Gottlieb has burst my "Prince Charming" bubble. Maybe that's a good thing. We'll see.

Eyebrow Mayhem

Another thing I've noticed about this getting older thing, other than some wrinkles appearing and the diminishing ability to read signs in the distance, is some craziness going on with my eyebrows. I thought the hair growth thing only happened to men. Huh.

Does this happened to you in the mornings?



What are some other signs of age I've got to look forward to?

Steroids and Sugar Daddies

Last night Charlie couldn’t sleep. She’s hyped up on meds. She was bouncing in her crib like a baboon, with her whole body trampolining into the air, butt almost as high as her shoulders, nearly bouncing out of the crib. When I walked into her room, she’d start with the “huh huh huh huh huuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” which translates loosely into “pickmeuppickmeuppickmeup
pickmeuppickmeuppickmeuppppppppppppppppppppp!!!”

Steroids.

A mother’s worst enemy. And best friend.

I showed Charlie the boo-boo on my finger this morning and explained it was an “ouchie”. She frowned with concentration. “Boo…. boo?” she asked. “Yes, a boo-boo. See? When Mama kisses boo-boos, they feel all better” and I kissed my finger and then waggled it for her to see: “Alllll better!” She looked at me with one eyebrow lowered in suspicion, like she was saying: “What hoodoo voodoo doth you spouteth, Mother?? Do you seriously think I’m going to fall for that???”

When I pick Charlie up from daycare, there’s nothing better than seeing her hurl her little body in my direction, little chubby legs pumping fast to get to me for a bear hug. Huge smiles. But almost as soon as we reach the car, she is whining… sometimes already crying. She’s so tired. It makes the evenings difficult, to say the least. Some days it’s enough to rock her on the couch with a bottle, to have that down time to regenerate. We all need that, don’t we? But some nights even that doesn’t work, and she seems ready to go to bed by 6PM. Which we can’t do or she’ll be up at 3AM. Add steroids into this mix and it’s a moody disaster. I wish I could help her more, but these are long days that I have to work, to afford her daycare. As Charlie would say: “Dah-jeee, whey ahh ewww??” which translates literally into; “Sugar Daddy, where are you???”

What? Doesn't your kid say that?

;-)

Cheering My Old Ass Up

Not much could make me giggle this morning, but this did, so I'm thankful.

I'm taking comfort in the fact that 40 is the new 25.

So there.

I Turn 40 Tomorrow

"It's better than the alternative" is what everyone is telling me and that may be true but I'm not psyched about it.

That is all.

Mama Vs. Mommy

I'm teaching Charlie to call me "Mama".

I like it better than "Mommy" for some reason, it sounds warmer to me.

It's more caveman.

More Elvis.

Sometimes I slip, because "Mommy" is what I grew up on, and it's hard to change these types of things mid-stream. She has an easier time saying "mama" anyway. It's such a perfect sounding word, coming out of her mouth, even when she is insistently, impatiently, screeching: 'Ma-maaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Ma-maaaaaaaaaa!" it always gets my response.

I'm curious, what do you like to be called and why?

Operating Instructions

Another book review.

“Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year” by Anne Lamott (of Traveling Mercies fame)

I love this book and I’m only ¾’s of the way into it.

Oh, it has GEMS!

Bright sparkly GEMS all over!

Here is one I can relate to: “I have these secret pangs of shame about being single, like I wasn’t good enough to get a husband.”

Or how about: “ …one of the worst things about being a parent, for me, is the self-discovery, the being face to face with one’s secret insanity and brokenness and rage. I have always known, or at least believed, that way down deep, past being kind and religious and trying to take care of everyone, I was seething.” Wow-sa, does that hit home. Those sleepless nights when the baby is colicky and you think you could ram your head straight into a wall from desperation…

About a decade ago, I recall an astrologist doing my chart, he put my birth date, birth place, etc into a computer program, looked up at me and said: “You are completely unbalanced.” I said, “Tell me something I don’t already know.” He said, “You are unbalanced in that you take care of everyone and no one takes care of you.” At the time it was so true. I had a dog, two cats, a townhouse, 14 residents in a halfway house I was directing, and 13 staff members who were mostly looney-tunes themselves. Nowadays, take away 2 cats, replace them with 2 more dogs and a toddler, and I’m in the same position. Except with more responsibility, another house and 200 clients. I can feel rage bubbling up at any given moment, at the slightest provocation. On the other hand, I’m blessed with a great job, a loving family, good health and everything is fine. Go figure. Is every mother like this? Or just me and Anne Lamott??

And the way she describes the dichotomy of motherly emotions is FUNNY: “I wish he could take longer naps in the afternoon. He falls asleep and I feel I could die of love when I watch him, and I think to myself that he is what angels look like. Then I doze off, too, and it’s like heaven, but sometimes only twenty minutes later he wakes up and begins to make his gritchy rodent noises, scanning the room wildly. I look blearily over at him and think, with great hostility, Oh, God, he’s raising his loathsome reptilian head again.”

She confides about her fears about giving birth to a son, rather than the more familiar gender. She writes: “…of course I’m edgy about the whole thing, about having my child having a penis instead of a nice delicate little lamb of a vagina…” and goes on to describe in colorful language the assaults she has endured at the receiving end of penis’ (penii?). I also thought it would be impossible for my body to create a male. When I decided to adopt, it never occurred to me to ask for a boy. I thought I wouldn’t be able to love a boy… they are so different. So foreign. Now that I’m a mom, I realize I COULD love a boy, very much, but it didn’t seem that way during the imagining stage.

She writes about the pain her son will inevitably go through not having a father: “ I don’t have any idea what I will tell Sam when he is old enough to ask about his father. I’ll say that everyone doesn’t have something and that he doesn’t have this one thing, but that we have each other and that is a lot…” I can see myself saying something similar to Charlie.

To try and fill the gap of fatherlessness Anne is amassing a “tribe" to help take care of him, made up of family and friends. Asking for help no matter how difficult that can be. She has people stopping by every day, bringing groceries, cooking, doing laundry, babysitting, taking her son to the park. Jeez! I’m missing out! I’ve been taking care of Charlie 24/7 when not at work, except for when her grandparents visit. Reading that part motivated me to pick up the phone and call a mom I know and suggest we trade babysitting hours on the weekends, which she agreed would be a great idea.

It’s not often I find a book that is both motivating, relatable, AND funny, so I highly recommend this one for all new mothers and even old ones. The love she feels for her son absolutely comes through, this is not a “bashing motherhood” book. Just a realistic, no holds barred type of motherhood book. There’s a gem on every page, every few lines for Pete’s sake! Too many to transcribe here. Go out and buy this book. It would also make a great gift for any pregnant woman, especially singles.

How Do YOU Eat an Oreo Cookie??

While I was making toffee, Charlie wanted to cook too. I put some cereal in a bowl and let her stir it around for a bit. Then gave her a cookie. What a mess! But lots of fun. I love her face when she hears the word "cookie". I remember how exciting that word was when I was little!

American Idol Jumps The Shark

Is it me or is American Idol A.W.F.U.L this season??

I'm so disappointed!

I don't really like ANY of the contestants. Some of them are PAINFUL to watch and listen to.

Kara still annoys me with her lock-jaw, and Ellen is terrible! If she calls someone "adorable" again, I'll roll my eyes so high they may get stuck. Isn't that pretty condescending to call someone "adorable"? Over and over and over?? Ugh.

When I first heard Ellen was joining the team, I was excited and thought she was a great choice. But really, she's a terrible judge. Not that judging appears to take much insight really. "Flat." "Pitchy". "Wrong song choice". I mean, can't they come up with something else??

That Tim guy's smile is so forced and creepy... DeeDee is a fragile disaster... Lee is utterly forgettable, a cheap Springsteen wannabe... Andrew was AWFUL tonight. I can't believe the judges all loved him tonight. It was GOD AWFUL. The only one I like is Sioban and she is also getting predictable with that ending scream. As Simon said tonight "It's getting boring, Sioban." Oh, I also like Crystal Bowersox. Other than that they are all pretty terrible.

AI has really jumped the shark. I thought that might have happened when they added Kara, but now it's a definite with getting rid of Paula and adding Ellen. It had a good run, and I loved watching for the last 9 seasons. I'll still watch the rest of this season, out of loyalty and nothing else to watch on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But I wouldn't be surprised if this is the final season. With Simon leaving it's really time to bury this show, unfortunately.

Sad.

The times they are a changin'.

I guess "X Factor" will be the new show to watch next season.

I made Charlie a toy

While I was at the conference for work, the instructors encouraged us to listen while being creative, a way of learning called "kinesthetic" learning (as opposed to "auditory" or "visual" learning). Well, I don't know if I learned any better, but I had fun making this for Charlie. I won first prize for art made during the week!

My favorite part? The mole. Her mole is made out of one of the smaller sticky eyeballs that I dissected and took the pupil out. The earrings are made out of tiny candy they had sitting out in bowls.

Of course, Charlie won't be able to play with this, it's too delicate and has too many chokable parts, but it's a nice addition to her room. We need to find a good name for "it". Do you have any suggestions? We like Dr. Seuss type names, or anything off beat.

Al Bundy?

The ultimate Sunday lounger.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

In order to be a more "motherly-type" mom (rather than the super cool "rock n roll type mom I seem to naturally be)(that's a joke, folks), I decided to try and make candy. Well, also because it seemed fun, and a cheaper way to indulge myself than buying $14.00 boxes of English Toffee in Charleston. My mother told me it was really hard to make, to I entered into this endeavor holding my breath.

Guess what?


Easy peasy! And so delish!

I followed a combination of this recipe and added almonds inside the toffee and crushed walnuts on top of the exterior chocolate, the way I like it best.

Here's the process and how it turned out. Freaking faboosh!

Melting the butter and sugar:


Spreading the toffee on a cookie sheet after mixing in the almonds. Then smearing chocolate chips on top until they melt.




Final product with crushed walnuts on top:

Wowza, this is better than a Heath bar. This is better than what I bought in Charleston. This is candy crack. I need an intervention.

Mom, guess what you are getting for your birthday???

The Shrine Down the Hall

This is haunting and worth your time to take a look.

It "brings the war home" in a way that most articles can't.

I can't imagine the pain these families are going through. To imagine one's child dying so young, and in such violent ways. I simply cannot put my brain around the thought of Charlie's soft body being blown to bits. I think I would absolutely wither if anything like that ever happened to her. War is beyond horrible. It's been 9 years. Too long. Let's bring our family members home. These photographs are a peaceful tribute to the pain left behind.

The one that gets to me the most is the one with the dog curled up on the bed, waiting...

Dedication

I’d like to dedicate a full post to my wonderful parents, Charlie’s doting and loving grandparents, who drove 16 hours to babysit for her while I went away on my training for a week. I was able to get 30 CEU’s for my licenses, and have a nice break from diapers for 5 days, without paying anyone or worrying about Charlie’s care.

It’s also just so nice to be around them. When I got back on Friday, we spent time at a bar-b-que that weekend, and at a park, getting take out Thai food and seeing Avatar 3-D (which was AMAZING!! And that coming from someone who dislikes science fiction! Go see it in the theater! You will not regret it!) They always help me around the house. One of my birthday gifts was they hired gardeners to come and ready my garden for spring (a job I was dreading and seriously wondering how I would get done with Charlie to watch 24/7). My yard looks great! My mom is so thoughtful, she bought me pretty new towels to match my bathroom, which I would never do for myself. I would use the old ones until they fell apart. And she knows that. So now I have fluffy, soft, rose-colored towels to envelop me.

My dad replaced all the burnt out light bulbs in the house, including the fluorescent ones and the motion-detector ones, which require ladders and trips to the hardware store. Of course, laundry, grocery shopping and cooking are done. All three dogs are walked, one at a time, by my dad. It’s just so nice. Then they leave and it’s quiet, and the easy life is OVER. No more naps for me. The diapers are back with a vengeance. The adult conversation and companionship… poof! Gone! It’s amazing that these are the same parents I fought with constantly when I was a teenager: we get along well now for the most part and enjoy each other’s company. Boy, they sure have changed. ;-)

Thanks Mom and Dad! See you soon!

My Two Cents on Jesse James and His... Ahem..."Mistress" (that's putting it politely)

Alright, so it's not like you haven't read, heard, watched a gazillion articles an interviews on this topic but I have a new beef to vent that I have yet to hear about this whole Sandra Bullock/Jesse James fiasco:

Who is the slime ball who held on to this news until AFTER she won the Oscar??? Was it In Touch magazine??? Or the Neo-Nazi home wrecker??? Because REALLY.... that is beyond cruel. This is supposed to be the happiest time of her life, a culmination of a lifetime of hard work, a celebration and recognition of her talent, and she has to deal with this???? A week after winning Best Actress??? Come on! This is just NOT FAIR.

And I really have the feeling that the reporter or the other woman held on to this news until just after the Oscars because that would sell many more papers. The affair had been going on for 8 or 9 months. There was no reason it couldn't come out sooner, except that some evil person waited to see if Sandra would win and used her win (and the affair scoop) to line their pockets. That is some conniving, ice cold behavior right there.

Despicable.

I really hate cheaters, but in this case I really hate whoever ruined her Oscar moment just as much as her slime ball husband. And to think she just thanked him publicly, in tears, saying no one had ever "had her back" the way he did. Ugh. What a jerk.

What is with these famous husbands?? Doesn't marriage mean ANYTHING anymore??

Ok, that's it, my two cents.

As you were.

I love, love love this blog, but love ain't enough.

I want to share a gem of a blog I found recently, written by a trans racial adoptee named Kevin Hofmann called My Mind on Paper. It's not a view point that I come across very often: the male blogger, the trans racial adoptee, the talented writer, the adult adoptee who can express himself eloquently about all sorts of sensitive topics related to adoption. To find all the above in one person is quite a score! An he blogs! Double score. He takes on some serious topics with skill and talent, and is writing a book about being raised black in a white family. He is not the "angry adoptee" although he does not shrink from the issues either. I think this makes him so accessible to adoptive parents who might be offended or frightened of the "angry adoptee" stance which can come across as.... well... pissed off. (My take on the angry adoptee is that many should really be called the hurt adoptee, or the adoptee who's rights have been taken away.... rather than just labeling them "angry. But that is a whole other post for another day.)

Here is part of an article written by Kevin Hofmann. Check out his blog, parts are heart breakingly sad while others are so hopeful and uplifting. Here's a post entitled "Love Aint Enough". The title says it all, and is a striking rebuttal to the insistence that some families have that "as long as I love her, she'll be fine."

=============================================================

As she prepares her son for school, the mother peeps out the front window and watches the pregnant storm clouds flow across the dark sky. She checks the local weather report and her favorite weatherman says there is a 95% chance of a severe thunderstorm for the viewing area. He also states there is an 80% chance the rain will turn to hail.

The mother hugs her son as he walks out the door to begin his quarter mile trip to the bus stop. Her son seems out of place as he joins his friends who accompany him every morning to the bus stop. They all have on rain coats, hats, and are carrying umbrellas.

The mother decided not to prepare her son for the weather. Instead, she believes if I don’t fed in to the thought of bad weather it won’t happen.

*************************

I have written this blog several hundreds of times in my mind. I have wrestled with writing it or ignoring it and I have finally decided to address it.

My fear has been if I address this many will get frustrated and not return to my blog .

So up to this point I have been able to skate around it with the collateral damage being minor; minor for me.

Today, I received an email from a transracial adoptive mother asking me to write more specifically about what is necessary for white parents in raising black children.

I get this question a lot and have been answering it in the most politically correct way I know how. But my real answer is much more one sided. The short answer is, “love is not enough.”

I have found there are two schools of thought with transracial adoptive parents. One school says, “Color doesn’t matter, as long as we give them a loving place to live they will be ok.”

The other school says, “In today’s world, love isn’t enough. We must prepare them for the world we live in.”

I strongly side with the second group. It is important that children of color be prepared for the world they will live in and although love is important, it is not enough.

Often, I get the argument that racism still exists today because we allow it to. If you teach your children about racism and that they may be treated differently because they are of-color this is feeding in to racism and will only cause racism to grow.

This is like the mother who sent her child in to a hail storm with no protection because admitting there is a possibility that there will be a hail storm only causes the hail storm to be bigger.

Whether we want to admit it or not, racism exists and it is important you prepare your children for it. Ignoring racism in your household only makes it disappear in your household.

Once they step out in to the world, it is there whether it is in your face or behind your back.

So how do you prepare them?

Talk about the possibility of them being treated differently simply because they are black or of-color.

When do you talk to them about it?

Studies have shown children notice racial differences by ages three or four and have some type of racial encounter by age seven.

You can be the one who introduces this to them or you can let the world do it. You have more control over what gets heard and how it is presented if you do it.

A few weeks ago, I spoke to another transracial adoptee and she told me about her experience growing up. She lived in a rural area where she was one of the only blacks. They never talked about racism or being different in her house but when she went to school she was treated and felt different everyday.

One day she came home and poured several gallons of bleach into a bath tub and got in it. She said she was trying to bleach her skin so she could be more like everyone else around her.

Her parents were shocked when they found out what she did because she never said anything about how she was being treated or how she felt.

The collateral damage to me means nothing if I can prevent such a horrible experience from happening.

******************************************

After school the little boy returned home, soaking wet with bruises on his arms and head. Just as the weather man said it poured with golf ball-sized hail. The boy was angry at his mom for not preparing him for what could have happened, but he held no harsh feelings against the hail and rain that inflicted the damage.

================================================================

Go check out this one too, called "The Rules". I felt like crying for the little boy Kevin was. I hope Charlie will never experience anything like that, but the truth is, she probably will. It's my job to make sure she is ready for it.

Home Sweet Home

I'm back at home and all is well in the world again.

Charlie gave me a enthusiastic greeting with lots of hugs and kisses, so I was happy with that :-)

I was wondering during the trip what would be signs of healthy attachment and what would be signs of not being attached....

If Charlie cried a lot while I was gone, is that a good sign or a bad sign? If she doesn't cry at all, does that mean she's not attached properly?

What ended up happening was she would cry for a little while after seeing me on Skype, but was easily distracted. She asked for me a few times, but didn't dissolve into paroxysms of grief.

My un-professional opinion is that is pretty healthy.

I think the week long experiment went well and I'll be confident to leave her in the future when I need to do work related trips. Luckily that is only once a year.

Do you leave your kids? For how long and how do they do with that?

Here is an ADORABLE adoption video.... for those who claim "adoption is unnatural". It may be "unnatural", but all kinds of species do it, so that kind of argues that it IS natural.

Botox

Just a quick update since I need to run to class.

Charleston is a cute little city and our hotel is in the middle of hundreds of restaurants. I feel like all we've been doing (other than training) is eating. Everything is walking distance and we are smack in the middle of everything we need. The hotel is very nice, and the bed is unbelievable. I could stay in that bed for days.

I do miss Charlie, but not as much as some parents miss their kids. Not yet anyway (Day 3). I do find myself thinking about her at random times throughout the day, and last night at dinner I reviewed our phone call and her cute voice and got some pangs.

Apparently, she is not missing me too much either. Other than a couple of minutes of crying after we Skyped, she seems to be having a blast with her grandparents. We'll see as the week progresses. She did ask to call me last night. I don't want her to be sad, but I also really want to know she is attached and that I'm not just a "bottle machine" or diaper changer to her!

On another topic, I'm fascinate by this woman in my class who I think has either had plastic surgery or botox. She looks good, but slightly fake. I'm staring at my wrinkles in the hotel mirror here, with my 40th birthday fast approaching, and noticing all kinds of wrinkles that were not there last year. Losing weight is great, but it has ONE down side: wrinkles.

So this woman's skin looks translucent and completely wrinkle free. I checked her earlobes and there connect directly to her face. That means plastic surgery, right? I'm not sure she's had any, but I'm PRETTY sure. There's just something about her not quite right. Her skin is shiny.... it looks good though in a way.

I'm not sure I would ever get plastic surgery on my face... there's nothing worse than that pulled look that so many celebrities have (Burt Reynolds, Joan Rivers, to name two). But Botox? Hmmm... Would you ever get Botox? They are not sure what the long term effects are, I don't think. It's BOTULISM that is being INJECTED into YOUR FACE. How can that be safe??? On the other hand, so many people are doing it... I never thought I'd be so vain as to do something dangerous to look better. But then, I never had wrinkles before either.

Would you ever Botox your face? Why or why not?