Smooch in the park....

Kid-centered vs. Parent-centered?

When we traveled to Addis, we met another adoptive couple who were wonderful people. I really enjoyed their company, they were great dinner companions, van companions, etc. Their names were Hope and John and they have 6 kids (including a little 4 year old boy they were adopting with an amputated leg and a club foot.) They also had a special needs child at home they had adopted from Vietnam and basically saved his eyesight in doing so. I had a lot of respect for them as people. They were fun, and really wonderful with the kids. You could tell they loved their son immensely from the second they laid eyes on him.

We had a discussion over breakfast one morning about parenting styles. John mentioned he had noticed 2 main styles: child-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting. He said he didn't claim one was better than the other, each was different and fit with different families.

He went on to explain that in child-centered parenting, the focus is entirely on the child. All household activities revolve around the child's needs and wants. For example, a soccer game would trump a romantic date every time. Babysitters are uncommon.

Conversely, in parent-centered parenting, the parents set the tone of the house hold and their lives continue, with full involvement in the children's lives of course, but without giving up their identifies completely. There are date nights. The marital relationship is nurtured. Babysitters are commonly known to the kids, and rules and limits are firmly set. With 6 children, I can see why this was the only option for them. I also think it's healthy for the kids to have a healthy marital relationship role model to watch while growing up.

As a single parent, I'm not really sure which camp I'll fit in to... I'm hoping parent centered, because my belief is it teaches the child they are not the center of the universe (to the rest of the world, at least) which is more reality based. I think she'll have less of a shock growing up than if she grew up believe the world revolved around her and then finding out life is not like that.

Which camp do you fit in?

Which camp do you think is better for the child?

Raised by a pack of wolves

My friend Cate has 2 toddlers and 5 dogs. Her kids think they are dogs and line up for treats when the pack does, uses the doggie door, and (to her horror) has been caught on (my) film drinking out of the water bowl.

Charlie seems to have aspirations in the same direction....

To Addis and Back (Part 8) Travel Tips

So we left Addis the next evening. Here are some tips for those of you preparing to go.

1) When we made the initial reservations, bulkhead seats (bassinet seats) were already taken much to my dismay. However, upon check-in, we asked again and lo and behold, there was a bulkhead seat available. I ended up sitting in it with only one other person, not a parent, so I got the bassinet! Or rather, Charlie got the bassinet. She was able to sleep for most of the 6 hour flight from Addis to Amsterdam. Definitely ask. Ask at reservation time. Ask at check in. Ask the flight attendants when boarding.

(Caveat: Although the bassinet could be a God Send for the teeny babies, if your infant can crawl, just know you can't get any sleep as there are no straps and Charlie got up several times on her own and wanted to get out. Had I been asleep that would have been bad. On the other hand, having her sleep somewhere other than my arms for 6 hours was great!)



2) Infant Tylenol. I'm not a doctor so I'm not telling you what to do, but this advice came from another parent who was flying with a silent baby: Give your infant a drop of Tylenol 30 minutes before take off, and then have a bottle ready for the ascent and descent. The Tylenol will help their ears not expand, and the bottle will help them equalize their ears in case they still do expand a little. It worked! Charlie was quiet amongst the wails of 50 other infants when we took off.

3) Have several bottles ready for takeoff... sometimes the takeoff is delayed even after the plane has started moving! And I don't know about your infant, but Charlie doesn't like having her bottle taken away once she's started it. She was finished with her first bottle before the wheels left the ground.

4) Ask for an upgrade to business class. It ALMOST worked for us. It doesn't hurt to ask.

5) Don't wear jewelry. The machines are very sensitive. You'll have to take it on and off several times as there are several security points. Along the same lines, use an Ergo without metal, so you and the baby can walk through the metal detector without having to unstrap, unload, reload, etc.

6) In Addis, have your passport easily available in the parking lot, as you will have to show it to even enter the airport at all.

7) If you travel via Amsterdam, Schipol airport has a baby lounge. The lounge has individual "pods" with curtains, a bathing area, diaper changing station, etc. It's quite pleasant depending on the time of day. I was there twice. On the way to Addis, mid-afternoon, it was peaceful and quiet. On the way back, early morning, it was full of screaming babies and mothers trying to cram their own long bodies into the cribs (!). Hardly a place for a rest.

8) Your child does not need a visa for Holland if you are staying in Schipol airport during your connection.

9) I used an Ergo carrier and didn't bring an umbrella stroller. It was helpful to have an extra set of hands. Also, Schipol has the perfect size carts (free!) for carrying an infant.We had 6 hours to kill before our connecting flight, so this cart came in super handy. Plus Charlie enjoyed riding around the airport, gathering attention from all passerby.

So that was the trip. We landed safely after 28 hours of non-stop travel, and three seperate flights, exhausted, to be welcomed home by Opa. After a week in D.C., we made the long drive to where I live, and we've been here for a week now.

To Addis and Back (Part 7) Final Evening

The last night the entire group of traveling families (minus a few exhausted parties) went for a dinner and dancing show, including a coffee ceremony and traditional injera basket tables and Ethiopian fare.

It was fun, with the added challenge of eating a meal on 1 foot stools with a band of merry infants along!

The kiddos loved the music, and Charlie danced her first dance.

As soon as Charlie saw injera (the Ethiopian spongy and sour bread made out of the teff grain, one of the few local grains that grow here) she grabbed a roll and tried to shove it in her mouth. Therefore I thought perhaps the nannies had already started the kids on injera at a very early age, or it's a genetic taste (because most babies I don't think would like how sour it is) passed down through hundreds of generations of Ethiopians.. I allowed her to eat small pieces of it as it tuns to mush in the mouth. Don't worry, it looks like she is stuffing great gobs of it in her mouth, but I was watching carefully and broke up the pieces so she wouldn't choke.

When we got back to the Guest House, all the staff asked how we enjoyed the show and seemed very invested in our enthusiasm, so we were enthusiastic. In reality, most of us left before the coffee ceremony, as it was going on 3 hours by then and the infants (and kids by then) were wilting fast. In all, it was a lovely goodbye to Ethiopia. Most of us were ready to leave, to start our new family life back home, but there was definitely a sadness at taking Charlie away from her birth home and her culture and everything she had known for her entire life.

Tomorrow I will write about the plane ride home, 28 hours non-stop, door-to-door traveling, along with some tips for those of you who are about to make the trip.