Saturday, December 27, 2008

Interesting debates


Apparently 85% of adoptive parents ask for girls when given a choice. This is surprising to me, because, although I also asked for a girl, I thought many parents wanted boys just as much! When I ask bio parents what they are hoping for, invariably they say" either, just as long as it's healthy." Is it possible that statement is not true, at least the "either" part? (And really, would they love the baby any less if it wasn't healthy? I think not.) Maybe 85% of bio parents also want girls but manage to fall in love with their sons instantly anyway... That statistic is apparently true for both domestic and international adoptions. I read hours of a debate on another blog which brought up all sorts of reasons this might be true, from racism, and sexism to really trivial reasons like "We already have girls so handing down clothes makes more sense." Uhh.... there's got to be more to it than that!

Anyway, here's the debate, and the comments, for a lively read on the topic.

This is also a favorite blog of mine because it does make one think these things through a bit more. For example, does specifying gender cause or feed corruption? I had not even thought about that before reading these blogs, but it's a real possibility. There are many more boys in ET waiting to be adopted than girls and the wait time is much shorter, but people (myself included) are willing to wait longer for a girl. Why??

For me the reason is simple: as a single female with no male role model around, I just think I will be able to relate and raise a girl better than a boy. I have no idea how to raise a boy. None. I don't even believe if this was a biological pregnancy that I would be able to produce a son. I think I'm lacking that chromosome. Now know that sounds ridiculous and probably I have all the chromies I need for both genders, but its' so FOREIGN to me that I think it's impossible for me to produce a son.

So those are my reasons and they have nothing to do with racism. Sexism? Maybe, but I don't think so. What are YOUR reasons for choosing or not choosing?


TLO said...

I just voted... I voted for 2---
one is becoming a bit more popular lately
so Im not sure if I feel real strong about it. Miss you ---
Have you thought about coming back to NJ when you have your daughter?
Being near family is nice when you have a kid. Just a thought.
Love you!!!!

Anonymous said...

Don't discount boys, Mika! I think people think girls are more "fun", with dressing up, etc. Plus we all want daughters to know all the things we wish we knew.

But as Mom to 2 boys, now grown, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. I think boys have a special bond with their Moms. Plus all their friends are also like sons.

Funny - I now have a girl, my first granddaughter, and I'm not sure I know what to do with her!

Michelle Johnson said...

When I was pregnant I knew I wanted a boy. I have no idea why really, but I knew I wanted a boy. Of course I would not have loved a girl less, but I was incredibly happy when I heard, "It's a boy!"
If I were to adopt or foster, I'd ask for boys as well.
Maybe it's something as simple as knowing how truly horrid I was as a teen girl and really not wanting to go through that.I'm sure on some level I was afraid I'd have a little me to reckon with. Ha. I don't know, but I do believe we are each drawn in certain directions for specific/special reasons. You'll uncover along the way even more reasons why you chose a girl.

Mika said...

Great comments! I wish I knew who "anonymous" was though..... One of my HTs friends maybe?

Anyway, if 85% choose girls, than 15% choose boys and I guess you two are among them.

Or maybe the statistic is flawed.


Hello Mika,

I choose a girl because that's ALWAYS been my dream. I also feel that as a woman, I can relate better to a little girl. If I were married, a boy and a girl would have been ideal but as a single mother (with an option), a girl is better. I have no idea how to raise a boy!


Kiki said...

Mika, Olivia suggested the name Kayla be added to the mix. I voted for Saskia of course, but fear that'll be the sole vote.

Hey, you do remember from biology class that the male is the one who determiens the sex of the baby right? So no matter what chromosomes you have it's his little swimmers that determine the sex.

I'm so psyched for you! Love ya!

Anonymous said...

you already know we are super-excited about your decision. I voted for Saskia and would have also voted for "Anneke" if you had chosen this Dutch version of the name. Actually, I didn't realie you could vote for two names.
It now appears that Aunt Andrée can't vote on my computer(?); she would have voted for Saskia as well and wanted to suggest another name: "Rhianna". Another name I have always liked is "Désirée".
Uncle John & Aunt Andrée

Mary B said...

Trying again - for some reason, the blog wouldn't accept my name post, and would only take Anonymous.

I also like the name Ayana, which means Beautiful Blossom.

Mary B.

FancyHorse said...

I have two sons, both born natually. When I was pregnant with the older, I thought I wanted a girl, because I had no brothers, and no experience with rearing a son, but when he was born (back then, we didn't know ahead of time), I was thrilled, delighted, and proud to have a little boy! I learned as I went along. With the younger one, I never could make up my mind if I wanted a boy or a girl! My first son's baby clothes were still cute, and hardly worn, but baby girl clothes looked so cute in the stores! I was glad it wasn't up to me to decide, and I was just as happy to have another baby boy!

Leisha Camden said...

Girl vs boy - I think a lot of it can be summed up in this old saying: A son is a son till he gets him a wife; a daughter is a daughter for life.

Certainly my parents, who suspected when having me, 32 years ago, that I would be their only child, were delighted when they had a girl, precisely because of the reasoning that that old saying encapsulates.

Karen Lynch said...

My oldest is a girl. I wanted a girl first. After that, I wanted a boy. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I prayed 1 would be a girl and 1 a boy because I didn't think I could handle the wildness of 2 boys.

Boys . . . oh, they do love their Moms. I think they do need a male role model, but there is something there between moms and sons. If I had any more, I would probably pick sons. Girls are more complicated and just well, hormonal. Nothing will replace the love a son has for his Mom and the way he treats her.

Sarah said...

Hmm, do you think maybe the preferences shown for girls when adopting could revolve around the horror stories we hear in America about the treatment of female children elsewhere in the world?

In many cultures boys are much more wanted than girls and female infants suffer for that... if I were to adopt that would certainly effect my decision when it came to gender!

Kathy WI said...

Hi, I followed the link to your blog from the Simple Living site. Congratulations on your adoption.

When we adopted our son from Russia in 2002, we chose a boy. I wanted a boy because of reasons previous posters mentioned...the thought of a hormonal girl like me as a teenager, ick.

One theory I've read about is that when people have biological children, they think of a son as someone who carries on the family name and family genes, but when they actually get to choose a child who's not biologically related to them, a woman is more likely to choose a girl. There are also so many more girls available in China so that might skew the data for international adoption.